


Begin Again

by chaosgroupie



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Bucky Barnes's Metal Arm, Bucky is soft and fluffy and a sweetheart, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Metal Arm Kink, No Thanos, Past Abuse, Rumlow not in Hydra, Rumlow still an asshole
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-10
Updated: 2020-03-11
Packaged: 2021-02-22 21:49:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 39,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23034295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaosgroupie/pseuds/chaosgroupie
Summary: Lily Hayes is best friends with Natasha. When her boyfriend (Rumlow) breaks up with her, she is devastated. Natasha suggests she moves into the compound, where she meets Bucky.Each chapter is based on a song. The lyrics, and youtube link, will be in the notes at the beginning of each chapter.I know I said I would only post one chapter a week, but I couldn't help myself. Enjoy the whole thing in one go. I hope you guys like it!NOTEJust a warning that the main female character will be dealing with the aftermath of an emotionally abusive relationship as well as an overly strict upbringing.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 58





	1. Die From a Broken Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Die From a Broken Heart - Maddie & Tae](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xbaoi-lifOM)
> 
> Hey Momma, how do you get a red wine stain   
> Out of your favorite dress?   
> Black mascara off a pillow case?   
> Cure a one-too-many headache?   
> Momma can I come and maybe stay a few days   
> This weekend or next?   
> And hey, how do you get a red wine stain   
> Out of your favorite dress
> 
> How does he sleep at night?   
> Momma, the nerve of this guy   
> To leave me so easy   
> Am I gonna be alright?   
> I wanna kick myself for falling so hard   
> Momma, can you die from a broken heart?

Opening the door, Lily smiled at her boyfriend, overjoyed that he had actually shown up on time. She had spent over an hour cooking, then put on her favorite outfit - a white sundress that had just enough cleavage Brock usually couldn’t take his eyes off of her. He sometimes got angry with her when she showed her breasts ‘too much,’ but she usually enjoyed the sex when she did. Those were about the only times she thought that maybe sex wasn’t all bad.

Brock looked down at her, a look of disgust on his face. “Seriously, Lily? I thought I told you I didn’t like you dressing like a slut.”

Frowning, she moved out of the way so he could come in. “Sorry,” she muttered, shutting the door behind him. “I thought you liked me in this dress. Besides, we’re staying in, so I thought…”

Shaking his head, he sighed. “It’s fine this once, just don’t expect me to allow you out of the house with that on.”

“I’m sorry,” she reiterated, looking down at the ground.

His voice turned soft as he placed a finger under her chin, tilting her face up. “It’s okay, Lil, I forgive you.” He smiled, the gesture lighting up his face, making him look a good ten years younger. “You said you were making chicken alfredo?”

“Yeah. It’s ready… if you’re hungry.” Her voice was still timid after his angry tone. She was used to him being upset with her, but tonight, because he’d specifically asked to come over saying he wanted to talk about something, she was nervous. When he’d asked, he hadn’t sounded upset, so she didn’t think he was breaking up with her. Since they had been together for about two years, she was pretty sure he was going to ask her to marry him. It was something she’d thought about for months, wondering when it would happen.

“I’m starved,” he exclaimed, heading toward the kitchen. “I’m going to grab a beer, you want anything?”

She was glad his back was to her, else he would have seen the shocked look on her face. Growing up, her mother had taught her that men wanted a meek woman, someone who would make them feel more like a man. With that, she had learned never to ask a guy she dated for anything, and to always, always get his drinks for him. Her father had expected it and so did Brock. To have him offer to get her something… it was unthinkable. She replied softly, “Red wine?”

“Sure thing.” He didn’t sound upset or angry, so she just followed him into the kitchen, intending to grab the food off the stove to take to the table. But when she entered, he had a beer in one hand, a glass of wine in the other. Handing it to her, he nodded toward the table. “Let’s sit.”

She did, taking a careful seat. After sipping her wine, she asked quietly, “What’s up, Brock?”

He sighed, then took a long draw from his beer. “I’m tired of this.” When his fingers tightened on the bottle, knuckles turning white, she felt her shoulders hunch inward, trying to make herself appear smaller. His voice grew hard again as he spat out, “I’m tired of dealing with your slutty ways. I’m tired of listening to you complain about how I never do anything to help out. Goddammit, Lily, I’m tired of being with someone who won’t listen to a fucking word I say!”

When he slammed his beer bottle onto the table, she jumped in her seat, the wine sloshing over the edge of her glass, spilling onto her dress. As the red wine soaked into the white fabric, leaving a stain that looked a lot like blood seeping across her chest, she tried to apologize even though she had never asked him for anything, let alone help. “I’m sorry, Brock. I’ll do better. I promise.”

Standing, Brock put his hands on the table, leaning forward, frowning at her. “No, you won’t, and that’s the problem. You and I, we’re done. I’m so fucking sick and tired of dealing with your bullshit.” As a tear rolled down her cheek, he slammed a fist into the table, roaring, “THIS!! This is what I’m fucking talking about! Anytime you don’t get your way, you start weeping like a… like a child.”

Blinking her eyes furiously, she tried to stop the onslaught of tears. Placing the wine glass on the table, she lowered her hands to her lap, smoothing the skirt of the dress as she took several deep breaths in and out to calm herself down. That was another thing her mother had taught her - to hide when a man made her upset. The black eye her father had given her once had also taught her that. At least Brock never hit her, that was something she would never tolerate in a relationship. Being subservient to a man was her place, but she didn’t deserve to be hit.

Taking another deep breath, Lily tried to keep her voice even, “I’m sorry. Please, if you give me another chance I promise I’ll…”

“Fuck that,” Brock retorted, shaking his head. “I’m done. You aren’t even good in bed. I can’t believe I wasted two years of my life with you.”

As he walked away, she whispered, “But I love you.”

Stopping at the door, he chuckled. “Lily, you don’t know what love is.” Then he left, slamming the door as hard as he could before getting into his SHIELD-issued black Jeep and taking off, tires kicking up rocks as he sped away.

Still sitting at the table, she tried to make her breaths slow and even, trying her best to keep from sobbing. The last thing she needed to do was break down. After she felt like she could breathe again, even though her heart still felt like it was being constricted, she stood and walked over to the counter taking her cell phone out of her purse. She dialed the only person she could think of, the only friend she had.

_“Solnyshka_ (sunshine), how’s my favorite girl doing?” Natasha asked cheerfully through the phone.

Running a hand through her long brown hair, Lily took another deep breath, not wanting to let her best friend know how hurt she was. “Hey, Nat. Do you know how to get a red wine stain out of clothes?” Her voice broke slightly when she added, “I spilled a glass on my favorite white dress tonight.”

Instantly, Natasha’s tone turned serious, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” she tried her best to make her voice steady again, but it was too late. Once she heard her friend’s voice on the other end of the line, she felt safe and loved, so tears began to stream down her cheeks. Walking with the phone back to the front door, she sighed when she saw it was still open. 

As she tried to close it, Nat spoke again, “I don’t believe you. What happened? Who do I need to kill?”

The door wouldn’t shut, the deadbolt nearly ripped out of the door, shards of wood on the floor. A sob escaped before she could stop it. “Nothing, Nat. I’m fine.”

“Goddammit, Lily, I know something’s wrong. I can hear it in your voice.” Softer, she tried to coax her friend into telling her what happened. _“Solnyshka,_ I’m not mad at you. I’m never mad at you, I swear it. Please, just tell me what happened.”

“Brock and I broke up,” she said softly, her voice quavering with every word. “I spilled wine on my favorite dress, the white one that I haven’t worn out in… in almost two years, and… and…” She took a deep breath, her next words coming out fast. “Does Steve know how to fix doors? The door got slammed and now it doesn’t shut, and I’m worried about someone getting in. Just… don’t tell him Brock and I broke up. I don’t need Captain America coming to my rescue. I’m fine… I’ll be fine… I’m just…” Her voice trailed off as another sob wracked her thin frame.

Natasha took a deep breath through the phone and started to sing. It worked to calm down the Hulk, maybe it would work with Lily. _“Tili tili bom, zakroy glaza skoree, kto-to hodit za oknom, I stuchitsya v dveri._ (Tili tili bom, quickly close your eyes, someone walks outside by the window, and knocks on the door.)” As Lily’s breathing evened out slightly, Natasha paused, continuing when she didn’t say anything. _“Tili tili bom, krichit nochnaya ptitsa, on uzhe problralsya v dom, k tem komu ne spitsya. On idet… on uzhe blizko._ (Tili tili bom, the night birds are chirping, to visit those who can’t sleep. He’s coming… he’s already closer.)”

Lily let out a wry chuckle. _“Tili Tili Bom?_ Really, Nat? That song is creepy.”

Since her friend seemed to be less emotionally unstable, she simply said, “It’s the only song I remember from my childhood.”

“God, Nat, I’m sorry.”

“Stop it,” she barked out. Then, she softened her voice, “You never need to apologize to me. I’m not upset with you for thinking the song is creepy. It really is. Now, Steve and I will be there in an hour to fix your door, and I’ve got something that takes blood out of clothes, so it should work on wine.”

“You don’t have to…” she started to say.

“Yes. I do. You’re my friend, _solnyshka,_ I’m going to give you as much help as you'll let me.” Taking a deep breath, she whispered the words she had only said to two people, Lily and Steve, _“Ya lyublyu tyebya_ (I love you).”

“I love you too, Nat.”

\--------------------

An hour passed with Lily sitting in her living room, sitting on the couch, waiting for her friend and her boyfriend to arrive. A knock sounded at the door and it swung open, a masculine head of blonde hair poking through the door frame. “Knock, knock, anyone home?” he called out cheerfully.

Standing, she moved over to the entrance. “Hey, Steve, come in.”

Steve’s sharp eyes took in her red eyes and the large red stain covering most of the top of her dress but didn't say a word about it. Natasha had told him that she and Brock had broken up, but then she threatened to make him sleep on the couch for a month if he indicated to Lily that he knew. Instead, he set the toolbox down and walked over to her, reaching up and tucking a strand of hair behind one of her ears. “Hey, kid. I hear handyman Steve is needed.”

Lily choked off another sob, looking down at the ground. “Yeah. The door... it... it won't shut.”

Steve held open his arms, offering her comfort even though he had to pretend to not know anything had happened. When she fell into his arms, holding on with all the strength she had in her thin frame, sobs wracking her body, he was shocked. In the entire time he had known her, she'd never gotten within five feet of him. She had never given him a hug either. If he was being honest, she had never touched him beyond shaking his hand at their first meeting. He laid his hands on her back, rubbing through the thin material of her dress, making soothing noises as he did. He darted his eyes over to Natasha, mouthing, _What do I do?_

Seeing her best friend allowing herself to break down made Natasha want to cry. But she took a deep breath and walked over, laying a hand on Lily's back where Steve's wasn't. Softly, she said, “Let's get you out of that dress so we can get it soaking in the solution.” When Steve's hands dropped, she pulled Lily back and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, turning her in the direction of her bedroom. “Steve is going to do his best to fix the door, and if he can't, we've got another one in the back of the truck.”

“Truck?” Lily muttered, the sound nearly drowned out by her sniffles.

“We borrowed it from the compound. Much easier than trying to get the stuff on the back of Steve's motorcycle, or in my tiny Porsche.” Natasha forced to laugh, trying to lighten the mood. When they got into the bedroom, she turned to Lily and commanded, “Strip.”

Lily did as she said, unzipping the dress and sliding it off of her body. When Natasha saw how thin she'd gotten, the ribs that used to be hidden underneath her flesh, she got angry all over again. But being an assassin she knew how to keep her expression unreadable, a very useful skill in this situation. Her eyes darted down Lily's body while her friend went over to the dresser to pull out a pair of leggings and a t-shirt. As Natasha picked up the white dress off the floor, she noticed the way her hip bones protruded from her body, how thin her arms had gotten. But really, what she was looking for were bruises. She didn't think that Brock would ever hit Lily, especially since he knew Natasha and her were friends, but she also knew that battered women tended to stick with their abusers, hiding it from everyone they knew.

Thank God there were none. If she had to kill Brock, that would be difficult to explain to Fury. While Fury would understand why she did it, he would also be disappointed in her. And disappointing the man who was like a father to her, that was something she never wanted to do. At least, not again.

She turned to Natasha, still keeping her eyes on the ground. “I don't understand,” she said softly. “What did I do wrong? I love him, Nat. how was it so easy for him to just... walk away?”

Stalking over to her friend, Natasha placed a finger under her chin and tilted it up, staring into her hazel eyes. “Now you listen, and you listen close. This is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. I don't know why Brock chose now to leave you, but…”

“Don't say I'm going to be alright. Because I'm not. He was my forever. I lov…”

Laying a hand over her mouth, Natasha's eyes grew hard, but she managed to keep her voice from showing the anger she felt. “Do you want to come stay with me and Steve for a few days? There's an extra apartment at the compound, Brock won't be there.”

She shook her head. “It's too far from work.”

“Lily,” her tone was exasperated. “Tony and Pepper live out at the compound, you'll be fine. Just come stay with us. I'll be worried about you out here all alone.”

“Are you sure?” she asked timidly. “I don't want to be in the way.”

Natasha had to close her eyes, the pain and fear in Lily's voice making her want to punch something. When she opened them again, she pulled her friend into a hug, holding her tight against her. “I'm more than sure. It'll be like a long sleepover. We'll drink and gossip, stay up late, have movie marathons… it will be awesome. And no, you won't be in the way.” Letting her go, she turned Lily back to the dresser. “Pack a bag. We're taking the dress with us because it can't sit too long in the solution. Plus, if it doesn't work, I've got other things we can try at home.”

“Thanks, Nat.”

“No problem, _solnyshka._ I'm gonna tell Steve the plan. Come out when you're ready to go.”


	2. Her World or Mine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Her World or Mine - Michael Ray](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GQNc511JPUo)  
> One of us still has our picture taped up on the dash  
> One of us took that one from Mexico, threw it in the trash  
> One of us don't even notice when the radio plays that song  
> One of us breaks down and has to pull over whenever it comes on  
> Nah there ain't no in between, when it comes to her and me
> 
> One of us moved on, one of us got stuck  
> One of us is drinkin' just for fun, one of us drinkin' to get drunk  
> One of us sleeps good, and one of us hates to face the night  
> Just depends if you're talkin' about her world or mine

Lily followed Natasha and Steve into the compound, keeping her eyes on the floor. She’d been here before, but it still felt like she was an outsider, like she wasn’t really welcome. Brock had always told her that the Avengers wouldn’t want her around, that she would bother them. At least, that was his excuse for why he never took her to any functions. At that moment, all she wanted to do was curl up in a ball on a bed, cry and pass out.

Natasha elbowed her boyfriend, who was carrying Lily’s bag, nodding in the direction of the living room and bar area. “You need to check on Bucky. He’s been there every night since… she left him.”

“I know,” Steve sighed. He handed the bag to Natasha, giving a soft smile to Lily who still wouldn't look him in the eye. The entire drive back, all she’d done was stare out the window, no matter how much small talk they’d tried to make. “Hey, kid, you gonna be alright if I leave you with the terrifying Tasha?”

Lily couldn’t help herself, she giggled lightly. Lifting her gaze, she tried to match Steve’s smile but seeing him only reminded her of what she had lost. “I’ll be fine. Thanks for fixing my door for me.”

Steve dipped his head, hand near his forehead like he was holding the brim of a hat. “All in a day’s work, ma’am.” Bending over, he gave Natasha a quick kiss, then whispered into her ear, “Tash, I’m going to try and get Bucky to go to bed. Drinking himself into a stupor every night is not the way to fix things.”

“You do that, love.” Heading over toward the elevator, Natasha called over her shoulder, “Come on, Lily. Let’s get you settled in.”

As they walked away, Steve headed over to the bar, sighing when he saw a near-empty bottle of Asgardian mead sitting in front of Bucky. Taking a seat on the barstool next to his, he leaned one arm on the bar, turning his body toward his friend. “Buck, what the hell are you doing?” Then he saw the picture, the one that Bucky had taken with Sharon in Mexico. They stood in front of the water, Sharon in her tiny black bikini, Bucky in a pair of board shorts, his arm hidden behind her. He always did that in photos, hid his arm so he wouldn’t have to be reminded of what he’d lost, and what he’d done with the replacement. “I know you miss her, Bucky, but…”

“She was it for me, Steve.” Taking another sip of his drink, Bucky stared down at the picture, vision blurring as tears filled his eyes but didn’t spill. “Fuck, I was gonna ask her to marry me.” Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a box, setting it on the counter. “I even got my mother’s ring outta the safe, hoping that she’d say yes.”

“Bucky…” Steve’s heart broke for his best friend. They’d had this discussion almost too many times to count. Gently, he reminded him, “You didn’t love her.”

Tilting his drink up, he finished the rest of the glass, then poured another. “No, but I could see myself marrying her. She was good for me, Steve. She didn’t care about the arm, didn’t get scared when I had my bad days, she… she got me.”

“You can find that again, you know. And with someone that you’ll actually…”

“No!!” he barked. “I’m done. This person,” he waved at the photo, “doesn’t exist anymore. I thought I could be happy. I tried, Stevie, I really did. I tried to be happy, to find a normal life, to ‘have it all.’” He used air quotes on the last bit, hoping the gesture would surprise Steve enough, he would cut him some slack. He’d learned it from Peter, who was always doing things he didn’t understand. But when Steve just kept staring at him, a look of pity in his eyes, he turned back to the glass and downed it in one go. “People like me, we don’t get our happily ever after. You got Nat, and I’m fucking happy for you… but there isn’t anyone out there that could love me. I’ve done so much shit in my life, Steve. Stuff I can never be forgiven for. Stuff I can never forgive myself for.”

“That wasn’t you, that was…”

“The Winter Soldier,” he finished. “I know. But I was awake inside. For all of it.” A single tear rolled down his cheek and he swiped it away with the back of his hand. Hardening his gaze, he looked over at his friend. “I remember everything, Steve. Every… single… last… fucking thing. Everything I did, everyone I killed… the pain and destruction I wrought, I remember it all. The only person who didn’t look at me differently for it was…” He couldn’t say her name, so he didn’t, choosing instead to look down at his now empty glass. Picking up the mead bottle, he groaned when he saw it too was empty. “The only time I slept was in her arms, Stevie,” he said plaintively. "Now, the only way I get any rest is drinking until I pass out.”

“Bucky…”

“No, don’t give me the ‘I’m so sorry’ tone of voice.” Standing on wobbly legs, he headed toward the garage. “I’m gonna see what she’s up to.”

Steve stood quickly, grabbing Bucky’s arm. “You’re drunk. There is no way in hell I’m letting you drive in that condition.”

“Then come with me.”

“I’m not helping you stalk her.”

“Either you drive me, or I’m gonna kick your ass, then take my motorcycle to do it anyway.” Glaring at his friend, Bucky’s free hand clenched into a fist. “Your choice.”

Closing his eyes, Steve sighed. “Fine. Let’s go.”

\--------------------

Natasha placed the last shirt on a hanger, sticking it into the closet. Turning to Lily, she tried to smile. _“Solnyshka,_ what do you think of the room?”

Lily looked around, taking in the utilitarian space. It was meant for transient SHIELD agents who needed a place to crash while working with the Avengers, so it didn't have any personal touches. Just plain wooden furniture with a blue comforter. Sitting on the bed she bounced up and down a couple of times. Softly, she stated, “Bed seems nice.”

“Yeah, Tony replaced all the beds about a year ago with expensive, higher-end mattresses.” She looked at the door and then back at Lily. “Are you going to be alright by yourself? I can stay with you if you want me to.”

Lily shook her head. As much as she would love to not be alone, she didn't want to take Natasha away from Steve for the night. It wouldn't be fair of her to ask for her time. After all, she wasn't a child, she should be able to spend a few hours by herself without falling apart.

“Are you sure?” Natasha prodded.

“I'm sure.”

Leaning over, she placed a kiss on Lily's forehead and turned to the door. “Alright then, _solnyshka,_ if you need me I'm just next door. Knock at any time and I will hear you. I'm a light sleeper.”

After she had left, Lily got out her favorite shirt, one that she had appropriated from a friend's brother in high school. It was faded from many washes, the Star Wars logo only visible if you knew what you were looking at. It was so large it came halfway down her thighs, the charcoal gray material soft and comfortable. 

Climbing under the covers, she attempted to sleep. But after spending thirty minutes trying, she got out of the bed and opened the door to look out and see if anybody was around. When she didn't see anyone, she tiptoed past Natasha's room, not wanting to accidentally wake her up, and headed downstairs to the main floor. 

Near the living room, she saw a bar area and thought that maybe a drink would help her sleep. When she got to the bar, she saw a black velvet box sitting on the wood. Picking it up, she opened it, staring at the gorgeous ring inside. Lily didn't know much about jewelry, but she knew this one was old. It looked like something her great-grandmother had that was passed down to her mother. But her mother had sold it years ago, long before she’d died.

A throat cleared from behind her and she whipped around, shoulders hunching over when she saw Tony standing behind her. He gave her a quick glance up and down, then asked gently, “You’re Pepper’s secretary, right?”

She just nodded her head, not wanting to say or do anything to make him upset. Working for Pepper, she'd seen him occasionally when he came to visit and talked to him on the phone more often than that, but she didn't know the man, not really. And since Brock had never liked her associating with other men, she tried her best to keep her distance.

“It's Lily right?” She nodded again and he smiled, a large toothy grand of perfectly straight white teeth. He nodded down at the ring box in her hand, “What's that?”

Quickly she closed it and handed it to him, still not saying a word. Lily watched as he opened it, examined the ring, then closed it again and looked back up at her. Her eyes dropped to the floor as she tried to make herself look even smaller.

“Did you find this in here?” Again, she nodded in the affirmative. He placed it on the bar, giving the velvet box a soft pat. “Pretty sure this is Bucky’s, which means we need to leave it here because he'll be looking for it. If he finds out it's gone… well, if it is his, then it was his mother's ring and he'll be very angry if it gets misplaced.”

At the word angry, she backed away from the bar, trying to put distance between the ring box and her. The last thing she wanted to do was to make anyone in the house angry. Maybe she should just tell Natasha to take her back to her apartment, then she wouldn't have to worry about angering this person she had never met before.

“So, Lily, what brings you to our neck of the woods?” Tony kept trying to be cheerful, trying to lighten the dark mood that she seemed to have. From the little he knew about her, he knew that Lily was a timid and shy woman, but the best damn secretary Pepper ever had. She was efficient, organized, and could type nearly two hundred words a minute when she got going. Since being outgoing wasn't in the job requirements, he never made a fuss about who Pepper chose to be her secretary.

There was no way she could get by without answering that question. A nod or shake of the head would not suffice. When she spoke, her voice sounded so terrified she got angry at herself. “I… I, uh…” Even Pepper didn't know she'd been dating Brock, and she definitely didn't want to tell Tony. She knew that as a SHIELD agent, Brock sometimes worked with the Avengers and she didn't want to destroy that relationship just because they didn't work out. So she tried for a partial truth. “I had a hard night, Nat brought me back here to stay for a few days, if that's okay.”

The fear radiating off of her was palpable, so Tony tried to be reassuring. “You can stay as long as you want or need to. We've got plenty of space here, and I know the others will love having someone new around.”

“Thanks,” she replied timidly. Not wanting to stay around any longer and be forced into more of a conversation, she turned and rushed out of the room. When she made it back up to her temporary living quarters, her heart was racing, her hands trembling. She climbed under the covers and closed her eyes, praying that sleep would find her quickly.

\--------------------

Steve drove Natasha's Porsche down the road, desperately wanting to be anywhere but driving down the highway. Helping Bucky stalk Sharon was not his idea of a good time, but he knew that his friend would be stupid enough to drive drunk if he didn't. Damned if he did, damned if he didn’t. As long as Bucky made it through the night alive, doing something so out of character for him was worth it. During the long ride, he tried to make conversation with him, but anytime he said anything, Bucky ignored him. Just stared out the passenger window at the ever-changing landscape, his maudlin mood permeating the air.

When they pulled up in front of Sharon's house, Steve activated the locks that made it impossible for a passenger to get out unless the driver allowed it. it was something Natasha had added in case she ever had a prisoner or something in her car. To be honest, she added it after the events on the bridge where Steve had run into Bucky again for the first time since 1945.

Shutting off the engine, he turned towards his friend. “All right, Bucky, we're here. What exactly is it you're looking for?”

“It's here again,” he muttered. The same black Jeep that he'd seen every time he had driven past Sharon's house for the past few months sat outside in the driveway. However, this time was a little bit different. Previously, the Jeep had been parked backward so he couldn't see the license plate. But this time, he could make out every letter standing in start contrast to the white metal. Staring at the combination of letters and numbers, he said it over and over again in his head, trying to memorize it.

“What's here again?”

“The Jeep. Every time I've…” Bucky paused, not wanting to let Steve know exactly how often he came by Sharon's house. He didn't want Steve to look at him with even more pity, or worse, despair. Even though he never loved her, sometimes it took all of his strength to not go knock on the door and beg her to take him back. But seeing the Jeep just made him realize that she had moved on. He tried again, “Every time I've been in this part of town for the past few months, I've seen the same Jeep parked in front of her house.” Even softer, he mumbled, “She's moved on.”

Knowing Bucky wouldn't rest until he figured out who the Jeep belonged to, Steve quickly memorized the plate and started the car back up again. “You need to move on too, Bucky.”

“I can't. She was it, Steve. I don't have it in me to go through this again.”

“Buck, you weren't in…”

Bucky turned to Steve, glaring as a growl formed deep in his throat. “Don't you dare fucking say I wasn't in love with her. I already know I wasn't in love with her. But she was the woman I was going to make my wife, and you can damn well fucking respect that.”

Steve tried to placate Bucky. “I know. I do respect that, I just worry about you.”

Turning away from his friend, Bucky looked back out the window doing his best to not break down. Even though everything Steve said was true, even though he had never loved her, he had pictured his life with her. Now that they were done, he couldn't picture his life without her.

The drive back was filled with terse silence, their relationship feeling as if it were growing even more strained. The past nine months had been hell on both of them. Steve felt like it was his obligation, no, his responsibility to help Bucky recover, and Bucky just wanted to escape to someplace no one would ever find him. But neither one of them knew how to fix the chasm that had deepened between them, the words they needed to say were just too hard to articulate.

After dropping Bucky off at the door to his apartment, he said softly, “One of Nat’s friends is staying in the room between us. Please… leave her alone. She’s had a rough break of it lately. I know you won’t do anything on purpose, but she’s easily…” Frightened wasn’t quite the right word, he didn’t want to give Bucky the wrong impression. “Easily startled. Just, if you see her, be nice.”

Bucky nodded so Steve would know he heard and understood, disappearing into his bedroom. Steve stood there for a few minutes, then headed to his apartment, opening the door. A soft voice called out “hello” from the bedroom and he went in, plopping down onto the bed, laying an arm over his eyes. “Fucking hell, Tash, Bucky is getting worse.”

Turning onto her side, Natasha propped herself up on one arm, resting her head on her hand. “What happened, lover?”

“We went to Sharon’s house.”

“Really?!”

“Yeah. There was a Jeep there that…” Sitting up, Steve got off the bed and grabbed the laptop sitting on the dresser, bringing it back to the bed. Booting it up, he logged into the SHIELD mainframe. “I got the license plate. I know that Bucky will want to know. Apparently, it’s been there for a few months.”

“Months?” Natasha asked softly. “That means that Bucky…”

“Has been stalking his ex? Yeah. That’s exactly what it means.” After putting the plate number in, he waited for it to output a response. It was faster than normal, which surprised Steve, at least until he saw that it was a SHIELD vehicle. “Fuck,” he muttered.

“What?” Natasha sat up, looking over his shoulder. “She’s dating a SHIELD agent? Not surprised by that, she is one, so that’s probably the easiest place to meet guys.”

“How am I supposed to find out who it is?”

“Hand me the computer,” she said, making a ‘give me’ gesture. When he did, she cracked her knuckles and started typing. “You just have to know where to look.” After a few seconds, a horrified look crossed her face. “You said that the Jeep has been there for a few months.”

“That’s what Bucky said.” Steve raised an eyebrow. “Why?”

“It’s the one assigned to Rumlow.”

“You mean…”

“Yeah, she’s fucking Brock, and apparently has been for months.” Slamming the laptop shut, she shoved it off her lap, wanting nothing more than to get out of bed, grab her gun, and drive over to Sharon’s house to empty it into Brock’s face. “I sure as hell hope she didn’t know about Lily, because if she did…”

Steve laid a calming hand on her arm. “You know that Brock didn’t share stuff like that with anyone. I’m pretty sure the only reason I know is that you’re friends with her. She never came to any of the group functions, he was always alone at them. I think the last event she was at was where you guys met, and that was for Stark Industries, not SHIELD.”

“Can I kill him?” she seethed.

“No.” Steve pulled her against his side, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. “But we should tell…”

“NO!!” she exclaimed. “We’re not telling Lily. That would break her. I am not going to be the one that breaks my best friend.”

“But if she finds out you knew…”

“No,” she reiterated. “When she’s stronger, I’ll tell her.” Natasha leaned her cheek against Steve’s heart, the steady beat soothing her. She said softly, “I’m scared of what she’ll do, Steve. I’m scared she’ll do something permanent that I can’t fix.”

“Oh, Tash,” Steve muttered, holding her tight against him. “We’ll help her get better I promise. Maybe she should stay here for more than a few days. Think Tony would mind if we moved her in permanently?”

\--------------------

After only a couple of hours, Lily woke up, her heart racing. For a moment, she forgot where she was, then the silence reminded her that she was at the compound. At her apartment, the sound of the freeway was always present, so being in a place that was so serene felt strange. Glancing at her phone, she saw it was only three AM, too early to be awake. But there was no way in hell she would be able to go back to sleep.

Climbing out of bed, she added a pair of shorts and left the room, thinking that maybe walking around the building would help her get tired again. If nothing else, maybe it would help her get out of her head for a minute. When she got downstairs, she headed straight for the living room area. When she got close, she noticed a light on in what appeared to be the kitchen. Glancing in, she saw a man standing there with his back to her… and what a muscular back it was. Shaggy brown hair almost down to his shoulders, well-defined muscles that made him look stronger than any other man she’d seen… not that she’d seen many without their shirts one. Her jaw fell open slightly, eyes traversing his spine to the top of his low-slung sweatpants.

Bucky opened the fridge, taking out the orange juice before putting it back again. Cursing under his breath, he brought a hand up to his face, rubbing the bridge of his nose. Drinking was always a bad idea. Regular liquor did nothing to get him drunk, but Thor’s mead… that shit fucked him up. The drunk always lasted a few hours, and when it dissipated, he was left with a nasty headache that lasted at least twice as long as the buzz. But it was the only thing that let him sleep the three hours he got each night.

Turning around, Bucky was surprised to see a skinny waif of a girl standing a few feet outside the kitchen. When his eyes met hers, she ducked her head, a pretty flush staining her cheeks. Long wavy brown hair hung heavy over her shoulder, falling nearly to the middle of her torso. The full curve of her lips drew him in. But when her shoulders hunched and she turned, practically running out of the room, he sighed. Fuck, another woman who was terrified of the Winter Soldier. Goddammit, he wasn’t even that person anymore.

Shutting off the light, he headed toward the living room, planning on sitting on the couch, staring out the large windows at the stars. But when he approached the couch, he saw a familiar head of brown hair poking up over the back of the oversized cushions. Cautiously, he made his way around the couch and looked at the girl a little closer. Standing only a few feet away from her, he realized she was older than he had first estimated, probably closer to thirty than to Peter's age as he’d originally thought. But the too-skinny look made her appear much younger.

“Mind if I sit?” he asked, voice gravelly from just waking up. When she shrugged, he sat down on the furthest cushion from her, holding his metal arm across his body, trying to hide it. Even though he had no idea who this woman was, her presence felt soothing. For all he knew, it was some girlfriend of Bruce or Sam’s.

When a yawn escaped him, making his jaw crack, he felt himself wanting to move closer to her. It had been far too long since anyone touched him in any way other than Steve helping him to his room when he was too drunk to stand for himself. All he wanted to do was scoot next to this woman, grab her hand and intertwine his fingers with hers. He couldn’t figure out why, but he ached to be closer.

Yawning again, he looked over at her, seeing her stare steadfastly out the window. “Do you mind if I lay down on the couch? I didn’t get much sleep and…” When she went to stand and get off the couch, he quickly said, “No, you don’t have to leave.” He swallowed hard, trying to work up the courage to ask what he wanted. While he was usually forward with women, this seemed different. Plus, he wasn’t looking to get laid, just help with his touch starvation. “I could… lay my head in your lap, if that’s okay?”

That made Lily look over at the handsome man, his bright blue eyes nearly iridescent in the moonlight. It was a bad idea. If Brock saw… Closing her eyes, she tried to clear those thoughts from her mind. They weren’t dating anymore. He had no say on whom she did or did not talk to. When she opened them again, the man was still staring at her. She shrugged and sat back down, deciding that maybe he was just looking for some company. She could always scream if he tried anything.

Surprised that she would be okay with it, even though he was also happy at the same time, Bucky scooted closer and laid down on his back, resting his head on her thighs. When he looked up at her, he could see how gorgeous she was. Still too skinny, but the beautiful hazel eyes that leaned more to green and the luscious lips that just begged to be kissed, made him wish he knew who she was.

For a couple of minutes, they stared at one another, eyes locked. Without even realizing it, Lily lifted her hand and threaded her fingers into his thick hair, combing the silken strands back from his head. When he let out a sigh and his eyes fluttered shut, she moved her hand, but his eyes popped back open. 

“It’s okay,” he said softly. “If you want to… you can.” When her eyes widened, he added quickly, “But don’t feel like you have to.”

Again, seemingly of its own volition, her hand moved back to his hair, combing the strands back. His eyes fluttered shut again and after a few minutes, his breathing evened out and the lines around his face softened, indicating that he was asleep. That allowed her to get a good look at him. He was the definition of classically handsome, with a strong jaw, stubble, and a perfectly symmetrical face, he was almost pretty. Her eyes moved down his body until she saw his left arm, realizing for the first time that it was made of metal and not flesh.

She wanted to touch it, to see if it felt cool or warm… to see if it was hard or soft, but she resisted. He seemed so peaceful, so calm… she didn’t want to do anything to screw it up. To make him get mad at her. Staring out the window, she kept running her fingers through his hair, the gesture comforting her. For the first time, in longer than she could remember, all she felt was peace.

\--------------------

Lily must have fallen asleep because when a hand touched her shoulder, her eyes popped open. The only thing stopping her from jumping off the couch in fright was the weight on her lap. Looking down, she saw that the man was still sound asleep, so she glanced up and saw Natasha standing there with an unreadable expression on her face. “Morning, Nat,” she whispered.

Natasha had so many questions. How in the hell did Lily and Bucky meet? Why was he sleeping on her lap? Why was her hand in his hair? What the fuck happened last night? But she didn’t ask any of those, even though it pained her not to. “What’s going on?”

Lily shrugged gently, trying to be mindful of the man laying on her. “Woke up at three, came out to walk around, saw… him. Sat down on the couch, he asked if he could lay down and use me as a pillow.” She looked down at the beautiful man, wishing she knew who he was. “Didn’t see an issue with it, so I let him. He fell asleep within seconds.”

“Seconds?” Both of Natasha’s eyebrows arched so high, her forehead had crinkles all through it. “Really?!”

“Yeah.”

“Wait, you said three?” When Lily nodded, she glanced at her phone. “You’ve been like this for almost four hours?!” Shaking her head, she stuck her phone back into the pocket of her jeans. “You want me to wake him up?”

“No,” Lily replied softly. “I don’t want to disturb him. He obviously needed sleep.”

_“Solnyshka…”_

“It’s fine, Nat. I’m fine.”

Natasha stared down at her friend, marveling at the peaceful expression on her face. She actually did seem fine, so much better than she had the night before. Then, her eyes drifted to Bucky, who looked a good ten years younger than his apparent age. Maybe this is a good thing, for both of them. “Alright, we’ll be quiet.”

\--------------------

Lily must have fallen asleep again, because she woke up with the weight on her lap jerked away from her, sitting upright on the couch. Glancing over, she saw that he had an irritated look on his face as he wiped at some water on his chest. Water? Looking around, she saw a black man standing behind the couch with a glass in his hand. He was laughing hysterically, eyes closed, head thrown back. Since neither of them was looking at her, she snuck off the couch and headed back to the bedroom. The last thing she needed was the man looking at her like he had last night.

Bucky swiped at the water on his chest, cursing under his breath. Glancing over to where the woman had been, he saw that the couch was now empty and his heart sank. Now he wouldn’t even get to find out her name. Standing, he looked at Sam and glared. “Fucker, what was that for?”

Sam’s jaw dropped. He’d never seen Bucky so perturbed from a prank before. “Man, it’s nine o’clock. You missed our morning workout.”

Doing a double-take, Bucky couldn’t believe what he’d just heard. “Nine?! Really?!”

“Yeah, nine.” Staring at his friend like he was insane, Sam tried to figure out what the fuck was going through his head. “What’s going on?”

“I slept for six hours,” his voice was almost wistful, full of confusion and awe. Glancing around, he asked, “Where did she go?”

“The child? She took off after you woke her up.”

“Fuck, I need to…”

“No you don’t, big boy,” Natasha interrupted.

“Nat, you don’t understand,” Bucky tried to say. But when she held up a hand, he shut his mouth, swiping a hand over his face.

“You need to leave her alone. She’s my friend, and…”

“She’s timid, shy, scares easily?” All he did was paraphrase what Steve had told him the night before, but Natasha’s eyes narrowed and he held up his hands in surrender. “Nat, I slept for six hours. Six hours!! I haven’t slept that long in… in nine months. She…” He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck with his flesh hand. “She…”

“She’s my friend and is hurting right now.” Softer, she pleaded with him, “Please, Bucky, she’s fragile. I’m already picking up the pieces, I don’t need you to break her heart too.”

“Too?”

Closing her eyes, Natasha wished she had kept her big mouth shut. “Look, she’s my best friend. I’ll introduce you guys once I think she’s stronger. But right now,” her eyes opened, “just try to keep your distance. Okay?”

“Sure thing.” Feeling sad at not getting to see the mystery woman again, he couldn’t bring himself to ask for any more information on her, even though that’s all he wanted to know. Turning, he headed back to his room. “I’ll leave her alone.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't help myself. I'm posting this chapter before Tuesday. I just wanted to give you guys a little Buffy fluff before the weekend. Soft Bucky is one of my favorite sides of Bucky.


	3. I Hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [I Hope - Gabby Barrett](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcCH6JpcK5w)
> 
> I hope you both feel the sparks by the end of the drive  
> I hope you know she's the one by the end of the night  
> I hope you never ever felt more free  
> Tell your friends that you're so happy  
> I hope she comes along and wrecks every one of your plans  
> I hope you spend your last dime to put a rock on her hand  
> I hope she's wilder than your wildest dreams  
> She's everything you're ever gonna need  
> And then I hope she cheats  
> Like you did on me  
> And then I hope she cheats  
> Like you did on me

“Again,” Natasha commanded, holding the martial arts pad up in front of her body.

“God, Nat, I'm tired. Can't we be done?” Lily's arms dropped to her side, quivering from the exertion. In the two weeks and she'd come to the compound, Natasha had made her get up every single day to work out, saying that it would make her feel more like herself. But all she felt was tired. It probably didn’t help that every morning her alarm went off at three AM so she could sneak out to the living room to see if that man was there again. But after that first night, she hadn't seen him. Not at any of the meals, not wandering the halls, not anywhere.

Because of Natasha's normal rigorous training schedule, they went to SHIELD headquarters before Lily had to go to work, where she punched and kicked for an hour. Even after only two weeks, she could already see some muscle definition in her arms, not to mention the ten pounds she put on because Natasha wouldn't let her leave the dinner table until she ate enough to feed a horse. All her friend kept saying was that she was too skinny, that it wasn't healthy, and she needed to gain a few pounds. Brock had never liked her with curves, preferring that she stay thin. While his words still tickled the back of her brain, she was happy she got to enjoy food again.

“Yes, again.” When Lily hit the bag weakly, Natasha's sighed and dropped the mat to the floor. “Fine, you win. But I'm not going easy on you tomorrow just because you're tired today.”

“I would expect nothing less,” Lily retorted as she took off her gloves. That was another thing that Natasha had been working on with her, the ability to talk back to her without fear of reprisal. As long as it was just the two of them, Lily felt comfortable doing that. But once anyone else was around, especially a guy, she fell back into her old habits, shrinking in on herself and speaking in muted tones.

Although, Natasha had been making her practice on Steve. It was still difficult for her to say anything to him, but she'd gotten to the point where if he said something snarky, she had a comeback, even if it did take her a minute to come up with it. She was just happy that Natasha hadn't made her do it with anyone else. The rest of the inhabitants of the compound were too intimidating, making it difficult to even look in their eyes. At least she knew that Steve would never hurt her, physically or emotionally. Natasha would kill him if he did, even if he was her boyfriend.

After taking a shower in the gym bathroom, she walked quickly past a group of girls with her towel wrapped around her body, heading to the back of the lockers where empty ones sat that no one used. As she dried off her body, she heard laughter from the front of the room.

“Oh my God Sharon, that is gorgeous,” one of the women exclaimed.

“Thank you,” the woman who must be Sharon gushed back. “Brock gave it to me for our six-month anniversary.”

When those words escaped from her lips, Lily felt herself sinking to the bench in shock. Six months? He'd been dating this mystery woman Sharon for six months?! She couldn't believe what she was hearing. Instead of putting on her clothes, she just listened to the conversation.

Another woman spoke, “God, you must have such fun in bed. I remember last Christmas when I got to spend the whole night with Rumlow. Fucking hell, it was the best lay I've had in years.”

The first woman chuckled. “I know what you mean. He and I spent about a month together, a little over a year ago, fucking in every position under the sun. I've never had more orgasms than I had during that month.”

Sharon giggled, “Yeah, he is pretty good. But I like him for more than his dick, or his tongue. He's sweet too. Always cognizant of my needs, never saying a mean word to me.” Her voice turned more hushed. “I think I'm in love with him.”

The other two women cooed and awed, before the first one said, “I'm so happy for you.”

Unable to listen anymore, Lily pulled on her clothes and tossed the dirty ones into her bag, not even bothering to zip it up before rushing out of the locker room, trying to hold her tears in.

Natasha was still in the gym, training a new batch of recruits when she saw Lily rushing out with her hair soaking wet. Eyebrows furrowing in confusion, she turned back to the recruits. “Ten laps.” When they made noises of dissent, she crossed her arms over her chest. “This isn't a punishment, this is training. Ten laps, or don't bother coming back tomorrow.”

With that, the recruits took off, running around the large room. Natasha jogged over to Lily, grabbing her wrist before she could leave. She looked at her red-rimmed eyes, at the tear tracks running down her cheeks. Fuck, what had happened to make her friend go from being vibrant and sassy to meek and crying? Trying to make her voice as comforting as possible, Natasha prodded her friend, “What happened, _solnyshka?”_

Dropping her bag to the floor, Lily turned to Natasha and wrapped her arms around her friend's waist, burying her face against her shoulder. Tears flowed freely down her face, sobs making her body shake with the force of her despair. “He... I…” Raising her head, she swallowed hard. “He was cheating on me.”

Natasha sighed, cursing the fact that she hadn't shot Brock when she had the chance. Rubbing her hands on Lily's back, she hummed the tune to _Tili Tili Bom,_ hoping that would calm her down enough that she could articulate exactly what it happened. Even through her tears, Lily let out a wry chuckle. Natasha spoke softly, “What happened?”

Pulling back from her friend, Lily balled her hands up into fists, rubbing her eyes roughly. When she felt like she could speak, the words rushed out, “I was getting dressed. There were three women inside talking. One said something about a pretty something, the other replied that Brock gave it to her for their six-month anniversary.”

“Fuck,” she muttered under her breath. Maybe Steve had been right, maybe she should have told Lily about Brock's extracurricular night activities. Told her about the fact that Bucky had seen his SHIELD issued jeep outside of Sharon's house for months. Lifting a hand, she cupped Lily's face, rubbing at the tear tracks with her thumb. “Is that it?”

Lily shook her head but couldn't respond. The sobs returned, and she wrapped her arms around her stomach, hugging herself tightly. “Why did he do this to me? Why me? I loved him. All I wanted was for him to be happy. Why wasn't he happy?”

Natasha hated the fact that her friend still felt like their breakup was her fault, but she knew that trying to force her into believing differently would not work. She had to come to that conclusion on her own. Pulling Lily back into her arms, she ran one hand down her still wet hair, the other rubbing circles on her lower back. “Are you going to be all right to go to work?” Lily mumbled something against her neck that she didn't make out. “I can call Pepper, let her know that you're going to be taking a mental health day.”

Lifting her head, Lily tried to halt the flow of tears, mumbling in a quavery voice, “No, I'll be alright. Work will take my mind off of things.”

Suddenly, an idea came to her, a grin crossing her face. “You’re going to be late. Text Pepper and let her know.” Natasha turned to the recruits and called out, “O’Roarke, get your ass over here.”

A young man came running up, jogging in place as he said, “Yes, ma’am.”

Natasha smiled at the best recruit she’d see in ages. He was the type that would stay long after the training was done, working on perfecting his form. Not to mention all the extra time he spent on the gun range. “I have to go. You're in charge while I'm gone.”

His eyes widened, but he nodded. “Yes, ma’am.” Taking off again, they could hear him offering encouragement to the others as they ran.

“Nat…” Lily whined.

Turning back to her, she put her hands on her hips. “Listen up, _solnyshka._ I want to try something. If we get there and it doesn’t help, I’ll send you off to work.” Softer, she pleaded, “Please, let me help.”

“Fine,” she muttered, picking her bag up. 

Natasha grabbed her hand and pulled her down the hall, glaring at anyone who dared get in their way. Before long, they were at the entrance to the gun range and she let go of Lily, using her access card to open the lockbox and get out a Glock as well as a box of ammo. Heading through the door, she called over her shoulder, “Come on.”

Lily followed Natasha inside, curious as to what they were doing there. Deftly, her friend put bullets into the clip, inserted it into the gun, then chambered a round. They both put on hearing and eye protection, then Natasha clipped a large piece of paper with a man on it to the moveable target, sending it about twenty feet out onto the range. “Watch me.”

Setting her bag down by the back wall, Lily did just that. Took in her friend's relaxed stance, the way she held the gun. She watched as Natasha pulled the trigger, quickly emptying the clip into the target. When the barrel finished cocked back, she laid the gun down on the counter and pressed the button to retract the target. She gestured toward her and Lily stepped up, staring at the target.

“Head and heart, those are the best places to aim.” Natasha’s eyes darted to the crotch of the man where she’d aimed a single shot. “But if you’re feeling especially sassy…” Loading the clip again, she chambered a round and handed the gun to Lily. “Your turn.”

Lily kept the gun pointed at the ground, her finger off the trigger. “I don’t think this is a good idea.” Her hands started shaking, worrying about who might see. There was no one else there so early in the morning, but that didn’t mean someone wouldn’t come in.

“Nonsense.” Natasha stood back, hands over her chest. “You need to get what happened off your chest. This will allow you to take your anger out on something instead of bottling it up.”

“I’m not angry,” she denied timidly.

Shaking her head, Natasha just prodded her some more. “He cheated on you. That would be enough to make me see red. Why aren’t you angry?”

“I love him,” she whispered.

Sighing and running a hand through her hair, Natasha argued, “So what? Why does that justify him being an asshole? Why is it okay for him to cheat on you with someone else?”

Lily looked down at the ground, muttering, “Multiple someones.”

“Excuse me?! He cheated on you with multiple people?” Balling her hands up into fists, she tried to calm down, but the anger bubbling to the service couldn’t be held in check. “I’m gonna kill him.” Taking a deep breath, she counted to ten, taking a breath with each number. “Alright, here’s what we’re gonna do. With every shot, I want you to talk to Rumlow. I want to hear what you would tell him if he was here.”

“Nat…”

“No, don’t ‘Nat’ me. You’re gonna do this if I have to tie you down and do the shooting myself.” Grinning, Natasha lifted Lily’s face with a finger. “If you don’t, I will hunt him down and kick his ass for hurting my friend. Your choice.”

“Fine,” she mumbled, turning to the target. Lifting the gun, she aimed the sight and pulled the trigger, not even bothering to check to see where, or if, she hit the target. Her voice was still weak when she said, “Why wasn’t I enough for you?”

As she fired off another round Natasha wanted to tell her that wasn’t what she meant. But still, she hoped this would help her open up, break out of her shell. Yell. Scream. Do something other than cry about the asshole who had broken her heart.

“Why did you hate my dress? What made me a slut, but sleeping with multiple women was okay?” Another shot. “Why couldn’t you love me?” And another. “Why am I crying at night while you’re out fu… fucking other women?”

Natasha’s eyes widened, unused to hearing Lily curse. She was much like Steve was when he first came off the ice. Morals that most would scoff at, not even using words like darn and fudge when upset. So to hear her willing to use ‘impure’ language meant that she was close to breaking. Although it was what she wanted, she wasn’t sure it was a good thing.

“Why me?” She squeezed off several more shots, each punctuated by a question. “Was I just a joke to you?... Was our whole relationship a lie?... Did you ever even want to be with me?” She lowered the gun, choking off a sob. Taking several deep breaths, she raised it again, firing off the last two rounds in the clip before placing it on the counter, resting her hands on the soft felt. “I hope she makes you happy. I hope you fall in love with her. God, I hope she cheats like you did to me. You fucking asshole.”

Sobs wracked her body and Natasha stood there, speechless. It took a minute, but she walked over, pulling Lily into her arms, letting her cry. Rubbing her back, she praised her gently, “I’m so proud of you, _solnyshka._ He never deserved you.”

“Why does this hurt so much, Nat? Will the pain ever go away?” her voice quavered through the tears. “All I want is for it to be over. For me to be able to go home and not want to throw everything away because he touched it.”

“Oh, _solnyshka.”_ Natasha’s heart broke for her friend. “You’re going to be happy again. I swear it to you.”

“Do you really think so?” she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

“I do.” Natasha made her words sound completely certain. Like she held absolutely no doubt what she said was true. “This was a good start. Realizing that he was in the wrong… it’s a good beginning. It will help you get over him.”

Pulling back, Lily swiped at her eyes. “I should get to work.”

Natasha wanted to argue, but she knew it would be futile. “Call me if you need me. I will drop everything to come pick you up and take you back to the compound.”

“Thanks, Nat. I love you.”

 _“Ya tozhe tyebya lyublyu, solnyshka_ (I love you too).”

\--------------------

After trying unsuccessfully to sleep for four hours, Lily got out of bed, not even bothering to put the shorts on underneath her long t-shirt. No one walked around the compound this late at night, and the man hadn't been there in the last two weeks, so she wasn't worried about anyone seeing her. Moving quickly past Natasha's door, she headed down to the living room, intending to sit on the couch, staring out the window.

But when she got to the living room, the head of shaggy brown hair peeking up over the back of the couch gave her pause. Brock wouldn't like it if a man saw her half-clothed. He would tell her to stop being a slut, to go put on more clothes. Running a hand through her hair, she tried to stop the invasive thoughts. But after two years, she heard his voice in everything she did. And when she didn't hear his voice, she heard her mother's... or worse, her father's.

But the peace the man had brought the first night she'd met him called out to her. She had stood there for so long, contemplating whether or not to go sit by him or go back to her room, that his head turned and looked over at her. He muttered sarcastically, “You gonna come sit down, or just stand there all night?”

Shuffling over to the couch, Lily sat down on the other end trying to calm her racing heart. She was terrified, not of the man himself, but of what being alone with him signified. They sat like that together on the couch for a few minutes, both looking out the window at the dark night sky. Sitting like this with him made her remember the good times with Brock. Made her remember him bringing her flowers, hugging her, the way he kissed her. She couldn't help it, tears started to fall silently down her face.

Out of the corner of his eye, Bucky noticed Natasha's friend appeared to be crying. Fuck, what was he supposed to do? He didn't deal with emotional women, or emotional men for that matter. He had enough of his own baggage to deal with, he didn't need to try to take on somebody else's. But still, he asked softly, “Want to talk about it?”

Lily looked over, surprised. Rubbing the tears that had fallen, she shook her head. All she wanted to do was run her fingers through his hair again, the calm that had brought her before tantalizing her with its nearness. But she couldn't ask him to do that, especially since she was pretty sure he'd been avoiding her, although she couldn’t imagine why.

Bucky watched as the woman's hands twisted together, but at least she wasn't crying anymore. Just like the last time, her presence calmed him down. Silencing the anger in his head. When a yawn cracked through his jaw, he wondered if she would be amenable to the same situation as before. “Would you mind if I…”

Slightly shocked that he brought it up, she nodded and moved her hands off her lap so he could spread out on the couch, resting his head on her barely covered thigh. There was something about this man, something about the way he looked at her that she'd never seen before. And her entire life, men had only looked at her two ways - as subservient, or as a sex toy. She couldn't quite recognize the look in his eyes, but it seemed almost... calm.

When her fingers dug into his hair, Bucky sighed, the tension leaching out of his body. But he kept looking up at her, her hazel eyes drawing him in. He caught her staring at his metal arm, and even though she calmed him, some of the tension returned. But he didn't say anything negative toward her, instead, laying his arm across his chest so it would be within her reach and saying, “You can touch it if you want.”

Lily's fingers stopped moving through his hair, her mouth falling open slightly. That wasn't something she'd expected, not that she'd expected any of this interaction. Reaching up with her right hand, she gently pressed a finger onto the metal of his hand. It was hard and sort of cool, sort of warm. Slightly warmer than the ambient temperature of the room, but cooler than her bodily temperature.

As her fingertips grazed over the metal plates, he sighed. “I hate it,” he muttered softly, surprising himself with the admission.

Spending so much time practicing talking to a guy with Steve had made Lily do something she didn't think she could. Something that she hadn't either time she was around him. She spoke. “Why?”

The one-word question was almost imperceptible, but due to his super-soldier hearing, Bucky could make out what she asked. He didn't really know how to respond without scaring her. If he spooked her, he would lose out on the only thing that had made him feel more human since he and Sharon broke up. But he also couldn't lie to her, it wasn't fair for her to find out another way. “The people that have been hurt by it... the people I hurt with it, it's why I'm out here instead of sleeping in my bed.”

His answer bouncing around in her brain, she took a couple of minutes to process what he had said. But more importantly, she tried to read between the lines and figure out what he wasn't saying. She replied softly, but stronger than before, “I don't understand. Is it sentient? Is it like an evil robot situation where it can act without you wanting it to?” He shook his head and she continued, laying her hand fully on top of his metal one, “If it requires conscious thought to operate, is it really the arm you hate, or is it yourself?” When he opened his mouth to respond, she shook her head and quickly added, “I don't know what you've done, or why you did it. I'm sure there were reasons. But the way I see it, the arm is just a thing. You don't get mad at the gun for killing someone, you get mad at the person who pulled the trigger.”

Bucky looked at her, speechless by the way she'd phrased it. He'd never really thought about it that way, that hating the arm was akin to hating himself. But still, he argued with her, “You're right, you don't understand. The people who gave it to me after I lost my arm, they…” God, he didn't want to tell her. He hated remembering what he did as the Winter Soldier and telling this beautiful woman such a horrible story would likely send her running. But, Steve was always telling him to open up, maybe doing so with a complete stranger would help him. “The people who did this to me made me do horrible things, things that haunt my nightmares.”

Lily interrupted him before he could say another word, “I know you're trying to justify the hatred of a thing, but it's just a tool.” When he opened his mouth to argue with her some more, she took her hand off of his arm and laid it over his mouth, the bold move shocking them both. Even though it was more forward than she had ever been before, she didn't move the hand. “If you want to talk about it, I'll listen. But at the same time, what's in the past is past, it shouldn't matter anymore. The arm is a part of you. Saying that you hate it, would be like me saying I hate my eyes. I'm not saying you should be grateful to the people who gave it to you, or that you shouldn't be upset about the things that happened, but you should try to make peace with the arm.”

Taking his metal hand, Bucky lifted her hand off of his face, moving it to his chest and laying his on top of hers. “You sound like you're speaking from experience.”

It took her a moment, but when she realized how much she'd spoken to this man she didn't even know, the urge to run away came back with full force and she had to force herself not to shove him off of her. Her mother's voice was in her head telling her good girls didn't behave this way. That they didn't allow men to cuddle, especially when they were so indecently clothed. And they most certainly did not tell a man how to think. “I'm sorry,” she muttered, her tone reverting back to her timid nature as her gaze shifted away from his face.

“Why? What do you have to be sorry for?” Bucky wanted to reach up and turn her head back toward him, but he didn't. “All you said is what everybody else thinks. I think most people are scared of me, so they don't tell me the truth.”

She didn't respond, she couldn't. It was like her voice gave out, the words she'd spoken to him being more than her brain and body could process. But she looked back toward him and shrugged, her fingers once again moving through his hair.

Bucky sighed, realizing that she was probably not going to speak to him again. But she hadn't made him move, so he closed his eyes but kept her hand captured under his metal fingers. Just in case she wanted to get up but wouldn't feel comfortable asking, he opened his eyes briefly and asked, ‘Do you want me to leave?” She just shook her head, continuing her ministrations. Once more, he closed his eyes and breathed deeply, her presence soothing the beast inside.

\-------------------

Walking out towards the kitchen, Natasha happened to glance into the living room and saw a familiar head of wavy brown hair situated on the couch. It was about the time that Lily usually woke up, so she wandered over to the couch to see if her friend was still up for exercising before work after the previous day. But when she walked around the front of the couch and saw Bucky sleeping so peacefully on her lap, Lily's eyes closed with her head tilted down, chin resting on her chest, she wondered if it was fair of her to keep them apart.

When a pair of arms and circled her from behind, Natasha's let out a heavy sigh and leaned back against her super-soldier. Steve whispered softly into her ear, “Should we wake them up?”

Natasha shook her head. “No. Let's let them sleep.”

“I thought you wanted to keep Bucky and Lily apart.” Steve had his own reasons for wanting to keep Lily from his friend, mostly because he was worried that Bucky would say or do something without meaning to, scaring her enough that she would stop being friends with Natasha. And having Natasha lose out on one of the only girlfriends she had, he couldn't imagine anything worse.

“I did,” she replied softly. “I do. But... they both seem so peaceful. Just let them sleep. We can always keep them apart later.”

“Are you sure?” he mumbled. “If you don't put a stop to it now, it's just going to get worse. I don’t want either of them to get hurt.”

“Is it really fair of us to decide that for them?” Natasha turned in his arms, laying her cheek against his heart. “I already warned Bucky off. Should I talk to Lily about him?” Footsteps had her turning, seeing Tony walking into the room. Standing on her toes, she gave Steve a quick kiss then extricated herself from his grasp, hurrying over to the billionaire. Stopping in front of him, she said in a hushed serious tone, “Leave them alone.”

“Them?” Tony glanced over at the couch, curious who Natasha was talking about. “All I see is Lily.”

“Bucky is…”

“Oh.” His eyes widened, staring at the couch with a new understanding. “Really? Lily and Bucky?”

Natasha closed her eyes, pinching the bridge of her nose as she shook her head. “Look, they’re sleeping. Just… keep quiet, please. She barely sleeps, getting up every morning around three, thinking she’s being sneaky. Bucky… well, you know Bucky hasn’t slept since Sharon left him.”

Tony held up both of his hands. “Don’t worry, I won’t wake him up.” Taking out his phone, Tony sent a text to the residents of the compound. “There, now no one will disturb them.”

“Fuck. Why did you do that?” She watched as Steve took out his phone, chuckling when he read the message. “I don’t need her feeling bad for this.”

“Check your phone.”

She pulled it out of her pocket and read the message. _Leave Bucky and Lily alone or face the wrath of Nat. The person who wakes them up will have to find other accommodations until Nat decides to let you back. And since this place is funded by me, what I say goes._ Slipping her phone back into her pocket, she couldn’t help the smile the crept over her face. “You’re lucky I like you, Tony.”

“I know, kid. I know.”


	4. Anyone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Anyone - Demi Lovato](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ewxh_wDimRw)
> 
> A hundred million stories  
> And a hundred million songs  
> I feel stupid when I sing  
> Nobody's listening to me  
> Nobody's listening  
> I talk to shooting stars  
> But they always get it wrong  
> I feel stupid when I pray  
> So, why am I praying anyway?  
> If nobody's listening
> 
> Anyone, please send me anyone  
> Lord, is there anyone?  
> I need someone, oh  
> Anyone, please send me anyone  
> Lord, is there anyone?  
> I need someone

After waking up with Bucky on her lap again, Lily stopped leaving her room at night. She’d said stuff to him that she probably shouldn’t, pushing him like she’d be taught not to. It would break something in her to find out that the man hated her after growing somewhat attached to him over the two nights they’d spent together. She would rather just avoid him altogether. The only problem was that when she was with him, her soul felt free for the first time. It almost felt like she wasn't Lily Hayes, a woman raised to be a good little wife and mother. It wasn't even that she wanted things with him that her mother would have disowned her for, it was more like his mere presence made her feel safe.

But just like everything else in her life, she had fucked that up. In the two weeks since the last time they'd fallen asleep together on the couch, Natasha had convinced her to move out of her apartment and into the compound quasi-permanently. She could leave whenever she wanted, but her friend just didn't want her to be alone. And to be honest, not being alone with her thoughts helped a lot. By being so close to Natasha, she had someone in her life who cared about her health, who wanted nothing but her happiness.

It was three in the morning, again, the same time Lily woke up every single night. And just like every single night for the past two weeks, she debated with herself on whether or not she should go and look for the mystery man. Knowing she wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep, she gave up on avoidance and climbed out of bed. This time, however, she put on more clothes than she normally would. If he wasn't on the couch, she was going to go outside and lay on one of the lounge chairs, staring at the stars. Maybe the cold would help invigorate something in her. Or maybe, being out in nature would soothe the ache in her heart.

Throwing on a pair of leggings and an oversized sweater, she slid her feet into a pair of fuzzy slippers and walked down the hall to the living room area. When she saw how dead the building was, she let out a small chuckle. Maybe she shouldn't have even bothered avoiding leaving her bedroom. He was obviously doing the same thing she had been, hiding.

Opening the back door, she stepped out onto the large patio and over to a fluffy chaise, laying down on it. The stars looked so vast and endless, she wondered if there was really a being out amongst the stars that had created mankind. For most of her life, she'd believed in an almighty power, the one God. But after so many years of living in fear and misery, she couldn't believe that a being meant to be benevolent would want her to be so profoundly unhappy.

But still, she hoped that it was real. Sitting up, she crossed her legs underneath her, clasped her hands together in her lap and stared up at the stars. She didn't know what to say, or how to go about praying when she hadn't in over a decade. It should be easy, right? But it wasn't. All she had to do was get her thoughts out, but trying to voice things she’d repressed for most of her life was harder than it sounded.

Bucky groaned as he walked into the living room, regretting choosing to leave his room again for another night. After waking up on Natasha's friend's lap again, all he wanted to do was get to know her better. Natasha wouldn't tell him anything. Not her name, not where she was from, not even why she was staying at the compound. And he'd asked. Boy, had he asked, time and time again. But when she threatened to cut off his balls with a butter knife, he'd stopped. Instead, he kept up his jaunts out into the compound, hoping and praying that she would be out there again.

Of course, he didn't tell Natasha or Steve that he was doing that. Once more, he'd been warned to stay away from her. Told that she was fragile, that he would hurt her. of course this time it wasn't Natasha doing it, it was Steve. He knew that his friend just had his best interest at heart, not wanting either of them to get hurt, but it's still stung that neither of them trusted him enough to be a good guy.

It wasn't like he was looking for a relationship or someone to love. In fact, it was the complete opposite. The only thing he was looking for at that moment was a friend, and he had hoped that maybe she could become one. After Sharon, he wasn't willing to risk his heart again. Going through the pain of a break up with a woman you weren't in love with was bad enough. If he fell in love with someone... he was pretty sure the pain from losing the love of his life would be worse than anything HYDRA had ever done to him, or anything they had made him do.

Taking a deep breath, he decided to say screw it and go outside. Maybe sitting down with nature surrounding him, trying to meditate like Bruce had attempted to teach him, would help. In the ten months since he and Sharon had broken up, he'd only felt peace on two nights, both of them with her. But that didn't mean he shouldn't try to find another way to bring about that sense of calm. He needed something to make it easier to sleep at night. Pushing open the back door, he stopped when he saw her sitting on a chair, looking up at the sky.

Fuck, she really was beautiful. In the month that she'd been at the compound, she'd put on probably fifteen to twenty pounds, but all it did was add to her beauty. He was fairly certain that it was all Natasha's doing, wanting her friend to be at a healthy weight. The first night he met her, one of the thoughts that had raced through his brain was that she was a little too skinny, so seeing her with curves sent thoughts to his head that he needed to ignore. Shutting the door quietly, he stood there when he heard her start to talk, thinking that she had seen him. But when she started to pray, he felt trapped. He knew he should leave, but her voice held him captive.

Lily looked at the stars for far longer than she intended, the words not wanting to come. After a few minutes, she took a deep breath and just started. “God, or whoever you are, if there is even anyone up there, why me? Was there a point to all this pain? All I want, all I've ever wanted, was for someone to hear me. For someone to listen.” Her head fell to her chest and she brought up a hand, rubbing at her aching eyes. “I know that Natasha listens and that she loves me, but it's not really the same thing. She pushes and pushes and pushes, making me feel... things that I shouldn't. Making me want things I’ve been taught good girls shouldn’t.”

Sighing, she dropped back onto the lounge, laying an arm over her eyes. “I don't know what to do. The other night, when I was with him, my mouth got the better of me and I fucked up. The things I said to him, I had no business even thinking them. My mother taught me according to your book. She taught me that a woman should be deferential to men. Another thing she taught me was that sex before marriage was a sin, but that if I thought I was going to marry a guy that I should give him what he wanted even if I didn't.” The laugh that escaped sounded bitter, even to her. “What would that be like? Being with someone because I wanted it. I wish I knew. I see how happy Steve and Natasha are together, how much they respect one another. Is that what love is? If so, I want that someday. To have someone that looks at me with stars in their eyes. Who will love me no matter if I show a little cleavage or if I decide not to shave my legs.”

Bucky wanted to go over to her, pull her into his arms and tell her that she hadn't fucked up. That she would find someone that would treat her amazing. But he couldn’t, his feet rooted to the spot as he listened. After she'd said those things to him, he’d realized stuff about himself that he'd never thought of before. While he couldn't say that he loved his arm, he also didn’t think that he hated it anymore. All of the rage that he projected onto it was really anger at himself for not being strong enough mentally to resist HYDRA’s brainwashing. Which of course was a whole nother bag of cats to untangle, something that he didn't have the energy to deal with just yet.

Moving her arm off of her eyes, she laced her fingers together on top of her stomach, bending her knees and placing her feet flat on the chair, trying to get more comfortable. “Fuck, I feel so stupid talking to the sky. When I prayed to you when I was younger, begging you to take me away from the father who abused me, what did you do? Nothing. When I cried night after night because I couldn't understand why my mother thought I was a slut when I was a virgin, where were you?” She sighed, proud of herself for not breaking down into tears. “And then I meet... him. He's the only person, the only man, who's ever made me feel truly safe. And then, all because Nat has been making me stand up to her, making me practice talking back to Steve, I said all of those horrible things to him. Why did I do that? Why did I ruin... Fuck, I don't even know what we had. We had two nights on a couch, that's it.”

“God, or whoever is listening, if anyone is, please… I'm begging you, I need someone. It doesn’t need to be a lover, or even someone who will want to grow old with me.” Sitting up, she rested her elbows on her knees, pressing her face into her hands. “I just want someone who will listen to me. Tell me that I’m not crazy, that the way I was treated wasn’t right.” Her voice broke as she pleaded, “Please.”

After she finished speaking, Bucky opened the door as silently as possible, slipping back inside. He was torn between wanting to comfort her and wanting to run away. But if there is one thing he knew, it was that her finding out that he had been listening would not be a good idea. Then again, lying to her about it wasn't a good plan either. Fuck, he didn't know what to do. 

Glancing out the window he saw her still sitting there, head buried in her hands. Sighing he opened the door again, making sure to make more noise than he usually did. HYDRA had taught him the art of silence, how to be light on his feet. So making noise, even purposefully, was difficult for him. Clearing his throat he grimaced with her head whipped toward him, the terror in her eyes visible even from his position a few feet away.

Lily tried to control her fear, telling herself that it was only him, but in the quiet of the night being snuck up on only increased her already nervous nature. Taking several deep breaths, she muttered, “Sorry.”

Bucky had to stop himself from telling her that she had nothing to apologize for. Taking a single step closer he asked cheerfully, “What are you doing out here in the cold?”

Feeling her face flush, Lily dropped her gaze to the ground. as her hands twisted together, she tried to come up with a plausible explanation, settling on a half-truth. “I wanted to watch the stars.”

Raising an eyebrow, he kept his tone even. “You couldn't do that from inside?”

She just shook her head, raising her eyes to meet his. Scooting toward the head of the chaise, she decided to be brazen and do something she never would have done before moving to the compound. She patted the space next to her, indicating he should sit.

Wanting nothing more than to join her, Bucky stood in place, hesitating. His reliance on her nearness was beginning to worry him, but when she smacked the cushion with a little more vigor he shuffled over to where she sat and joined her. Even through the material of his Henley, Bucky could sense how close she was to him. Almost of its own accord, his flesh hand inched toward her until his pinky rested against hers.

The feeling of his touching her sent a shock through her entire body. She didn’t want a lover, not really, but the pulse of longing she felt scared her. In all of her thirty-three years on Earth, she’d been with two men, both whom she’d thought would eventually ask her to marry them. A guy in high school that her father had introduced her to, who’d smacked her around, at least until he joined the military and left. Brock… she’d met him at one of Tony’s parties, having been invited by Pepper. She’d worked for Stark Industries for fourteen years, ever since graduating high school. While her parents didn’t like her having a job, they also didn’t want to take care of her until she got married. Then they’d died in a car accident five years back, and she’d been glad to have a way to support herself.

Brock had been sweet and attentive, at first. She’d fallen hard and fast, thinking that she would spend forever with him. The only good thing she could say about him was that he never hit her. But after a lifetime of being told she wasn’t good enough, that no man would want her unless she behaved in a certain way, she was tired of being scared. Tired of hiding away from everything and everyone that her parents wouldn’t have approved of.

Lifting her pinky finger, she laid it over his, holding it like she would if they held hands. Breathing out a soft sigh, she felt the weight of the mistakes she’d made lifted, if only for a brief respite. Maybe God had answered her prayers, sending her this man she didn’t know to listen. But if that were true, she didn’t know how to broach the subject. How do you tell someone all the shit you’d dealt with for years? How do you explain why you let yourself be treated like chattel?

When her finger intertwined with his, Bucky felt the wheels in his head turning as he tried to figure out what it meant. He glanced down at her tiny hand touching his, wanting to grasp it fully. But he didn’t push her for more than she was willing to give. Leaning toward her, he lightly bumped his shoulder with hers. “It’s a little chilly out here.”

“A little,” she agreed.

“Do you want to go inside?”

Turning her head fully toward him, she looked up into blue eyes that reminded her of the sea and realized how close their faces were. His lips were only inches from hers. Once that thought crossed her mind, it was all she could think about. What it would be like to close the distance, press her lips to his. Would kissing him be any different than kissing Brock? Because of the thoughts she was trying to hide, her words came out more sarcastic and mean than she intended. “You just want to sleep on me again.” Bucky’s face fell and she instantly felt horrible. She found herself apologizing, again, “I’m sorry.”

Bucky closed his eyes, knowing she hadn’t meant any harm by it. When he opened them again, her eyes shimmered with tears, making them seem even more green than normal in the moonlight. He sighed, “You don’t need to apologize, because…” He didn’t want to admit it. That would make it all too real how much being around her helped his mental state. “I haven’t slept through the night in ten months.”

“You don’t have to…” she started to say, stopping when he gave her a look.

“The two nights I spent with… with you, were the most peaceful I’ve had in years.” He couldn’t believe what he was telling her. Maybe they both suffered from the same problem. Being unable to stop the words that flowed when they were around one another. “I’m not asking you to let me continue. That would be weird. I…” He gulped down a huge breath. “I just enjoy your company. We could go inside and talk, I would be fine with that.”

Lily knew that she couldn’t do that. Once she started to open up, she had no idea what would bubble to the surface. What hidden secrets would erupt from the deep recesses of her mind. Standing, she held out her hand, smiling softly when he took hers and stood along with her. Instead of speaking, she led him inside and down the hallway away from the living room. While being around him felt right, she didn’t feel like having anyone catch them again. Plus, sleeping sitting up was not the most comfortable. So she led him to the theater room, thinking that a giant sofa that was almost as big as the queen-sized bed in her room would be a better idea. Plus, it had the privacy she craved, while still being a public place.

When she reached the door and turned the handle, he pulled on her hand. She turned and saw him frowning. “What are you doing?” he asked, unable to think of a reason why she would take him here of all places.

Pushing open the door, she dropped his hand, wanting to give him the option of what to do. Her voice came out barely above a whisper. “The couch out there is uncomfortable and I need sleep as much as you do.” When his frown grew deeper, she added, “We’re still going to be on a couch, but this one is meant for comfort. I mean, Nat’s told me that you guys all lay on it during movie night, so the two of us should fit just fine.”

“It’s a little… secluded.”

Sighing, she lowered her gaze, muttering, “If you’d prefer, we can go back to the other one. I just thought this would be better.” Looking up at him, she stated firmly, “And just so you don’t get any ideas, I have no plans on sleeping with a man whose name I don’t even know.”

“I thought you said that you wanted to sleep,” he replied a little cheekily.

“You know what I mean.” She arched an eyebrow and sighed. “I’m not going to force you to do something that makes you uncomfortable. I know all too well how that feels.” Turning, she went into the room. “Come or don’t, but I’m going to attempt to go back to sleep.” She slipped off the fuzzy slippers and grabbed a blanket from a stack on the floor at one end of the massive couch. Lying down, she put the blanket over herself as he entered the room hesitantly, shutting the door behind him, but not moving any closer. Trying to get him to decide what he wanted, she said, “Turn off the lights, please.”

Bucky did as she suggested, flipping the switch and kicking off his sneakers. In his Henley and sweatpants, he knew he might be a little warm, but he wasn’t going to do anything that would make her rescind the offer. She was right, this couch was the second most comfortable place to lay down, the first being his bed. It was definitely more comfortable than the couch in the living room. And maybe, just maybe, he could actually get a full night’s sleep. Laying down next to her on his back, he didn’t know what to do. The last thing he wanted was to make this situation more awkward than it already was by doing something that would upset her.

Turning onto her side, she lifted his flesh arm so she could slip beneath it, resting her head on his shoulder and wrapping one of her arms around his waist. “Is this okay?” she asked quietly. When his arm slipped around her body, holding her in place and he let out a soft sigh, she closed her eyes. They could worry about the repercussions from doing this the next day. Right now, all she wanted was to sleep next to the only man that made her feel normal.

\--------------------

When Bucky woke up the next morning, he felt extraordinarily well-rested. Somehow, during the night, the blanket she’d used to keep their bodies separate had ended up on the floor and their legs were tangled together, one of her hands underneath his shirt pressed against his heart. Even though he was hard, like he was every morning when he woke up, he didn’t feel the pressing need to fuck. All he wanted to do was keep laying there wrapped in her arms.

She started to stir, so Bucky reached down, shifting himself in his pants so his erection wouldn’t be so obvious, then ran a metal finger down her face. His voice was gravelly as he said, “Mornin’.”

Extricating her hand from his shirt, Lily felt her face flush. But for the first time since moving to the compound, she felt like she’d slept for a solid eight hours. She kept her cheek against his chest as she replied, “Morning.”

Bucky tried to think about what to say. Finally, he settled on something he should have done weeks ago. “Name’s James Barnes, but you can call me Bucky.”

Lily was a little shocked to find out that the man she’d slept with was the infamous Bucky. Natasha had told her so many things about all of the Avengers, Bucky included. All good of course, but still, he didn’t seem like a hard man. Quite the opposite, actually. Because she didn’t know who he was, she was able to see past any preconceived notions she might have had for the man, seeing the person underneath.

Bucky cleared his throat, suddenly nervous. “I know you’re Nat’s friend, but…”

“Sorry,” she muttered.

“Hey,” he said softly. “It’s okay. You don’t need to apologize.”

“Sorry,” she muttered again. This time he didn’t say anything, just sighed. She tried to make her voice strong, but to herself, she still sounded timid. “I’m Lily Hayes.”

“Well, Miss Hayes, it is a pleasure to make your acquaintance.”

He sounded so sincere and young that she burst out laughing. Pressing her face to his chest, she tried to muffle the laughter, not wanting to upset him. But when his chest started to shake in mirth as well, she pushed up, looking down at him. “I’m pretty sure Nat and Steve are probably looking for us.”

“Let ‘em look.” Bucky tried to find a clock but didn’t see one in the room. Probably because it was the theater room, and the only thing Tony hated more than being interrupted in his lab was people watching the clock when it was movie night. “Wonder what time it is.”

“Don’t know, don’t care.” Then she remembered that she had work. Sitting up, she ran her fingers through her hair, trying to untangle the knots that had found their way into the long strands. “I need to find out what time it is. I'm supposed to be at work by nine.”

“Do you really need to?”

He sounded so disappointed, she thought for a minute about calling Pepper and telling her she was staying at the compound for the day. But then she remembered something else. “Fuck, Nat is gonna kill me. We had training at SHIELD today.” Looking down at him, a soft smile crossed her face. “If you want to do this again tonight, I won’t say no.”

“Wait, what?!” His eyes widened in shock. “You want to do this again?”

“Bucky,” she said softly, enjoying the way his name rolled off her tongue. “Today is the first time I’ve woken up where I didn’t feel exhausted and miserable. I would do this every night if I didn’t think that you…” Her voice trailed off, not wanting to finish the sentence.

Pushing himself up to a seated position, Bucky used his flesh hand to cup her face, running his thumb over her cheek. “If you didn’t think I’d what, Lily?”

Hearing her name sent a jolt of pleasure through her, making her instantly regret that he knew it. It wasn’t a bad feeling, but she knew that it would lead to nothing but heartache. Since he asked, she wouldn’t lie, even though she wanted to. Shrugging, she tried to make her tone nonchalant. “You’ll get upset with me for asking for something for myself. I got enough of that before.”

“Oh, doll.” Bucky sighed, pulling her into a hug. Rubbing a hand on her back, he breathed in her scent, still feeling the calm that she somehow pulled out of him. “I will never think less of you for asking for what you want. Hell, I haven’t slept this good in… in years. It’s been ten months since… since I stopped being able to sleep through the night. But I haven’t woken up feeling this refreshed since before the war.”

Pulling back, she looked up at him. “War?”

Sighing, he shook his head. “Not now. I’ll tell you everything later, just… I want to make this moment last, just a little longer.”

The door opened and a familiar head of red hair poked in. Lily gave her friend a big smile. “Morning, Nat.”

Natasha glanced at Lily who looked more carefree than she’d ever seen her. And even though Bucky looked embarrassed, he seemed happier than she’d ever seen him. Literally, she met him in 2014 when he was still the Winter Soldier, and even though they rescued him shortly after that, he’d always seemed a little melancholy. But this man, the one who didn’t have a line on his face, who was smiling at Lily like she was an angel, she didn’t know him.

“Nat,” Bucky’s voice held a note of warning. “Were you looking for Lily?”

Shaking off her thoughts, she nodded. “Yeah. Pepper called and said you weren’t at work yet and also weren’t answering your phone. I told her I’d find you.”

Bucky moved out of the way so Lily could climb off the couch. Turning to him, she wanted to pull him into a hug, run her fingers through his hair again. Instead, she simply asked, “Ten tonight? Maybe we can sleep earlier instead of making the three AM thing a habit?”

Happening to glance over, Bucky saw that Natasha’s mouth had dropped open as her eyes widened. But he turned back to Lily, giving her his full attention. “That sounds great.” The grin on his face grew. “Now, get outta here before Pepper sends more people to find you.”


	5. If Only For Tonight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ If Only For Tonight - Hinder](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m3WntcbOvh0)
> 
> Hey pretty girl, what's your name   
> Looks like we're on the same page tonight   
> What's the story, what's his name   
> Looks like you're in some pain, am I right Just like you, I can't escape   
> But I could use a night away from an empty home   
> And the hurt from it all
> 
> If only for tonight, girl   
> We treat each other right, girl   
> Like no one ever has   
> Like nothing from the past   
> Be on each other's side, girl   
> Forget about real life   
> Make everything alright   
> If only for tonight

“You're coming and that's final,” Natasha said forcefully, glaring at Lily with her arms crossed over her chest. “You've been here for six weeks now, you need to come to one of our shindigs.” When she could see the hesitation in Lily's eyes, her voice softened and she added, “Bucky will be there.”

Lily's face flushed. For the last two weeks, she and Bucky had slept in one another's arms on the theater room couch. She couldn't speak to his health and emotional well-being, but hers was slowly getting better. Being able to get a solid night's sleep and actually feel safe, made her finally start to feel like she was the strong woman Natasha kept trying to tell her that she was. It probably helped that Bucky was ridiculously hot, although that wasn't why she enjoyed his company. It was the way he made her feel, like she was actually important and not just a short-term amusement.

Bucky never made a move on her, and to be quite honest, she wasn't sure what she would do if he did. While his body and voice made her heart flutter when she was around him, the idea of trying a relationship again scared her. Even if it didn't, it was still too soon to think about moving on. It had only been six weeks since she and Brock broke up and they had been together for two years. What would it say about her if she moved on so quickly?

“I don't know, Nat,” she muttered. Dropping her gaze to the ground, she stared at the bright red nail polish on her toes, seeing chips on the ends and realizing that they needed to be redone. “I'm pretty sure I won't be good company.”

Letting out a heavy sigh, Natasha just shook her head at her friend's inability to see how awesome she truly was. “Nonsense, you're coming. I even got you a dress so you don't have to go out shopping.”

“A dress?” Lifting her eyes, she looked at the amused expression on Natasha's face. “Really? I have to get dressed up for this?”

“Yep!” She laughed. Walking over to her closet, she pulled out a fancy dress bag and handed it to Lily. it was significantly more daring than anything her friend had ever worn before. It would show off quite a bit of skin, but deep in her heart, Natasha was hoping that Bucky would see Lily in it and realize that he didn't have to give up on being happy. Plus, she was pretty sure the two of them were perfect for one another, even though she had fought against it for so long. “Look, the party is tomorrow night. Take the dress, put it in your closet, you're coming. Even if I have to drag you in there kicking and screaming, you are coming.”

Natasha's tone of voice brokered no disagreements, so Lily sighed taking the bag from her hands and acquiesced, “Fine. But don't expect me to enjoy myself.”

“I know you better than that.” The corners of her mouth quirked up into a smile and she shoved Lily out of her apartment. “Now, go hang it up so it doesn't get wrinkled. _Ya lyublyu tyebya, solnyshka_.”

“I love you too, Nat.”

\--------------------

Bucky crossed his arms over his chest, staring out the window of Natasha's Porsche. “I don't want to go to the party, Steve.”

Shifting gears, Steve felt his fingers tighten on the steering wheel as he tried to hide his impatience. “I get that you don't want to come, Bucky. But we're all going to be there. You haven't been to a party in almost a year, it's time to get out of your shell and live a little.” Risking a glance over at his friend, he sighed at the tense posture of Bucky's shoulders. sending a silent prayer that Natasha had been successful in convincing her friend to go to the party, he said, “Lily's going to be there.”

Turning, Bucky raised his eyebrows. “Really?” He couldn't keep the snark out of his voice. "That doesn't seem like something that she would do."

“Well, she is.” God, he hoped that Natasha had managed to convince her. “I know it would mean a lot to her if you showed up too. You guys have become friends in the past couple of weeks, and…”

“I don't know if you can really call us friends,” Bucky interrupted wearily. “We help each other sleep, it's not like we're talking and getting to know one another.”

“Why don't you ask her out then?” When Bucky made a noise of protest, Steve held up a hand to silence him. “That's not what I meant. I didn't mean for you to ask her out on a date, I meant take her out as a friend. Or you guys can watch a movie, or play a board game, or something. You are allowed to spend time with her outside of sleeping, you know.”

“Oh?” he said, sarcasm dripping from the one word. “Now it's okay for me to spend time with her? I thought you and Natasha wanted to keep us separated. I seem to recall you both lecturing me about how I was going to hurt her.”

“Buck,” Steve groaned. Swiping a hand through his hair, he didn't know what to say because Bucky was right. But once Natasha realized how much happier Lily was after being around him, they had stopped. “You're right, we were trying to keep you guys apart. But we realize that we made a mistake.” Pulling into the compound's garage, he parked and shut off the engine and turned fully to face his friend. “I'm sorry. But don't take out your anger at me and Tasha on Lily. She's going to be sad if you don't come to the party.”

“Fine,” he grumbled. “I'll come, but I'm not dressing up.”

Happy that his friend would agree, Steve didn't care what he looked like. “Wear whatever the hell you want Buck, as long as you're there.”

\--------------------

Steve opened the door to his apartment, pushing in, making sure it was shut and locked before moving deeper to find the woman he heard muttering to herself in the kitchen. Watching her slowly chopping onions made him love her even more. This was the reason he wanted to marry her. Even though she had never cooked before, she knew how much he loved to spend time in the kitchen, so she was learning in order to spend more time with him.

Sneaking up behind Natasha, he slipped his arms around her waist, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. She just shook her head, chuckling. “Lover, you know you can’t sneak up on an assassin.”

“Maybe not. But it gives me a goal to work toward.” Taking the knife out of her hand, he turned her in his arms so he could give her a proper kiss. “I missed you today. Working ops without you just isn’t the same.”

“But you had Bucky, right?”

“Yeah.” Sighing, Steve took a step back, swiping a hand through his hair. “Please, tell me that you managed to convince Lily to go to this thing tomorrow. Because if Bucky realizes I tricked him…”

She laid a hand on his chest. “Don’t worry, she’s going. I gave her the black dress to wear.”

“Damn, I was really hoping I’d get to see you wearing that.”

Natasha chuckled. “I know. But I’m hoping this will spur one of them into action. They’re perfect for each other. I’m just mad they can’t see it.” When he laughed, she asked, “You did get Bucky to say he’d go, right?”

“Yeah, but only because I said Lily would be there.”

“Well, I told Lily that Bucky would be there, so we both tricked them, and now they’re coming.” Moving closer, she stood on her toes and kissed him slowly. “Since we both succeeded in our tasks today, want to celebrate?” 

Steve groaned, grabbing her ass and lifting her into the air so he could carry her to the bedroom. “You bet your ass I do.”

\--------------------

Pulling the bag out of her closet, Lily unzipped it, releasing a heavy sigh when she saw the silky black fabric. When she took it out, her eyes grew wide and she realized she couldn’t wear it. With a plunging neckline and no back, there was no way in hell she was going to wear it. “Dammit, Nat,” she muttered to herself. Her mother’s voice was back in her head, telling her she’d look like a whore with it on. Knowing her mother would have hated it almost made her change her mind, but she still didn’t feel sure enough of herself to wear something that would show everything off. Plus, with no back and a plunging neckline, she couldn’t wear a bra. Having her nipples be on prominent display was not what she wanted.

Hanging it back up in the closet, she took out another black dress she’d had for years. This one was sleeveless and hugged her body, but it covered her from her neck down to her knees. While you could make the case that it was indecent due to how curvy it made her look, absolutely nothing showed. Slipping it on, she left her hair down, slipping on a pair of flat sandals to complete the look.

Natasha would be disappointed she didn’t wear the dress she’d purchased specifically for the night, but Lily felt fairly certain she would understand. If she didn’t… then her friend didn’t know her as well as she thought.

When Tony had built the Avengers compound, he’d put in a huge room meant specifically for parties. There was a gigantic bar on one end of the room, on another side there was a spot for either a DJ or a live band, and then on the other side of the room, he had placed multiple large tables for people who wanted to sit down and talk or relax. But if Lily was going to be forced to attend a party she had no desire to be at, she would need a drink... or two.

Walking over to the bar, she placed both hands on it and leaned forward, smiling at the redhead behind the bar. “Hey, Nat. How did you get talked into this?”

Bucky heard her voice, turning his head slightly toward her. As soon as he did, his breath caught in his throat. Fuck, that dress hugged the curvy body that wrapped around his every night in all the right places. It was about as conservative as he expected from her, but it still made his mouth dry. But it didn’t matter if he was attracted to her because there was no way in hell he would ruin what they had by sleeping with her. He cared too much to lie to her, pretend that he could give her more than a good time.

She turned to him, a soft smile on her face. “Hey, Bucky.” Looking him up and down, she had to chuckle at his blue jeans and white Henley. “You look nice.”

“Don’t encourage him,” Natasha said playfully. “I wanted him in a suit. God, Lily, he looks like a walking wet dream in a suit.”

Lily’s head tilted to the side as she tried to picture him wearing a coat and tie. But when she did, it just brought back memories of her father. Shaking her head, she disagreed, “I think the Henley suits him better. Plus, you can see every muscle this way. Better eye candy.”

“Eye candy?!” Bucky couldn’t believe what she was saying to him. Since when did she think of him that way? “Really?”

“Yeah.” Shrugging she turned back to the bar. “Another shot of whiskey please, bartender.”

“And keep it coming till you don’t remember?” Natasha sighed. “Quoting song lyrics at me? At least you’re in a good mood.” She poured Lily the drink, then picked up a towel, wiping up a small spill. Looking past her friends as they drank, she saw two people who shouldn’t be there. Her fingers tightened on the towel and she threw it down on the bar, stalking around it to the other side. “Motherfucker. I’m going to kill him.”

Lily turned around, seeing Brock and Sharon together, looking perfect and happy. As her face fell, Natasha stopped and grabbed both of her shoulders. “Don’t worry. I’m going to get rid of them.”

“Them?” Bucky asked as he turned around. But even though he noticed Brock with Sharon, it didn’t really register. Then he saw Lily’s face and suddenly, he knew that Rumlow was the asshole who broke her bad enough that she had to move into the compound. “Go for it, Nat. I’ll back you up if you need it.”

Taking a deep breath, Lily frowned at Bucky before saying firmly, “No! It’s been six weeks, I’m fine.” She pleaded with her friend. “Really, I’m fine. Don’t kick them out of Tony’s party just because of me.”

“It’s not just for you,” Natasha argued. “It’s for Bucky too.”

“Bucky, but why…”

“Sharon’s my ex,” he muttered, not particularly wanting to share that detail with her. “We broke up almost eleven months ago.”

“Oh, Bucky. I’m sorry.” She wanted to go over and give him a hug, but Natasha still held her in place. “Nat, I have an idea that doesn’t require kicking them out or violence. Can you give me ten minutes?”

“Ten minutes?” Natasha shook her head. “I want him gone now.”

Wrenching out of her friend's hold, Lily put her hands on her hips, using every ounce of personality like Natasha had taught her. “You are going to give me ten minutes. If you do anything while I am gone, so help me, I don’t know if I'll be able to forgive you.”

Natasha’s eyes widened at the forcefulness of Lily’s threat. “Alright, ten minutes.”

Lily calmed and turned to Bucky. Leaning toward him, she whispered in his ear, “I’ll be right back. Will you be okay?”

Laying a hand on her arm, he squeezed gently. “I’ll be fine. Promise.”

Lily turned and headed back toward her room, grateful it was in the opposite direction of Brock. When she got there, she quickly stripped off her dress, bra, and underwear, then gathered all of her courage for what she was about to do. Pulling the dress off the hanger, she slipped it on and ran her hands down her body, smoothing the delicate material. As she looked at herself in the mirror, she couldn’t believe it was really her. The dress seemed to transform her into someone else.

For a brief second, she contemplated taking it off but decided that it was time to take a chance. It was time to do something out of her comfort zone. That was why Natasha had given it to her, to spur her into doing things she never would otherwise. Taking a hair tie, she put her hair up into a messy bun to show off her back, and left the room, heading back toward the bar.

This time, as she walked through the room, she kept her head held high and meandered through instead of rushing. A grating tone from near her, jeered, “Lily, should have known you couldn’t stay away from looking like a slut. Except now it’s gotten worse. You look like a prostitute.”

Before turning, she took a deep breath, trying to not let him get to her. When she faced him, she saw that Sharon was not anywhere nearby, probably why he felt brazen enough to say something. As much as she wanted to respond, his presence sent her back to before they broke up, right back to making her feel timid and meek. But she swallowed hard, standing up straight and looking him in the eyes. Her voice quavered, but her words were strong. “It’s good to see you again, Brock,” she lied. “As much as I would love to continue this riveting discussion, I need to get back to my friends.”

Not letting him say anything, she spun on her heel and strode away, trying to get her heart rate under control. As she neared the bar, her footsteps slowed. Bucky had his back to her, talking to Natasha. When her eyes met Natasha’s, her friend mouthed, _wow,_ and Bucky turned around. As he did, his jaw dropped, eyes raking her up and down. Still, she continued closer, flushing under his scrutiny.

Stopping next to him, she clasped her hands in front of her body. “Sorry.”

Natasha sighed. “What have I told you about apologizing?”

“Sorry,” she muttered again. Seeing Brock had really thrown her for a loop, she didn’t know how to break out of the headspace he had pushed her back into.

Bucky stared at her, shocked that this was the same woman he’d seen a few minutes ago. His voice was husky as he said, “You look beautiful.” Then he added, “And Nat is right. You don’t have anything to apologize for.”

“Sorry.” When both of them raised their eyebrows at her, she sighed. “Sorry, I just… I ran into Brock.”

Suddenly, Natasha realized exactly why she was acting strange. “Hey, Bucky, why don’t you take Lily out for a dance?”

Standing, Bucky held out his hand to her. “That sounds like a great idea. Would you do me the honor of a dance?”

Slipping her hand into his, she followed him out onto the open space where only a few other couples danced. When he pulled her into his arms, his flesh hand touching her bare back, she barely contained the shiver of arousal that coursed through her. Her arms lifted to clasp around his neck and she pressed her body against his.

When Bucky groaned, the guttural sound made the next shiver completely visible. Thoughts of Brock fled her mind, and the only thing on her mind was the man in her arms. “Bucky,” she said softly, “have you ever thought about…” She couldn’t finish the question, not knowing how he would react.

But Bucky knew exactly what she was asking, the arousal in her voice was obvious. “I’m not good enough for you, doll.”

“Yes, you…”

“No, I’m not,” he interrupted. “Even if I were, I don’t have it in me to try a relationship again. You deserve someone who can give you every piece of themselves. I don’t have enough left to give.”

Her face fell, so she pressed it against his chest to hide her sadness. Taking a couple of deep breaths, even though his nearness made her calmer, his scent just served to turn her on more. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Hey,” he pulled her back, tipping her face up to look at him. “You should always speak how you feel. Never feel like you have to hide from me. That’s why I said what I did. I like you, Lily, you’re a sweetheart. But I can’t be what you want, what you need.”

Even though he was right about what she wanted, she denied it. “What if that’s not what I want? Have you ever thought that I would be okay with just some fun?”

“Doll…”

“No, Bucky. Don’t try to tell me what I want.” Moving one of her hands from his neck, she lifted it to the back of his head and stood on her toes, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. “Just for tonight, I want to know what it’s like to be with someone who actually gives a shit about me. I’m not asking for forever, fuck, I’m not even asking for tomorrow. One night, that’s all.”

“Doll, I’m not sure that’s such a good idea.” Bucky knew that one night with her would never be enough, but he also didn’t have anything else to give her. “Are you sure you would be okay with that?”

“I wouldn’t say it if I weren’t sure.” Lily wanted to scream that she wasn’t okay with it, that she wanted more. But at the same time, if one night was all she could get from him, she would take it. “I trust you, Bucky. I’m not worried you’ll hurt me.”

Leaning down until his face was a hair’s breadth away from hers, he breathed, “I’m gonna ask again, are you sure this is what you want? I don’t want to take more than you are willing to give.”

“First,” she lifted her face and pressed another soft kiss to his lips, “who’s to say that you would be the one taking?” Pressing another kiss to his lips, she couldn’t help the soft moan that escaped. “Second, I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. I want you… I want this.”

“Your room or mine?”

“Mine.”

Releasing her, he intertwined his fingers with hers and started walking out of the party toward the living space. They nodded at people as they passed, but didn’t stay to talk to anyone. He was trying his best to not think too much, to let himself just feel for the night, but it was hard. If she ended up wanting more from him, he was scared it would ruin what they had. But at the same time, he couldn’t say no to her.

When they got to her door, she opened it pushing it open and dropping Bucky’s hand, taking a step inside. Normally, she’d be terrified of what was happening, but all she felt was a rush of excitement. She turned to him, taking a step closer until her body was a fraction of an inch from his. Lifting a hand she laid it against his cheek. “I know you’ll probably ask again, so that’s why I’m just gonna say it. I want this, Bucky.” Sliding the straps over her shoulders, she let the silken material slip down her arms and into a pool on the floor. Then, after toeing the dress out of the way, she kicked off her sandals. “Just for tonight,” she whispered.

“Tonight,” he echoed, pulling her close, bending down to capture her mouth with his. His hands snaked behind her back, the naked flesh making him harder than he’d ever been before, his cock aching to be released from its tight prison. But as much as he wanted to toss her onto the mattress and fuck her until she came screaming, he couldn’t do that to her. She deserved so much more than a quick fuck, more than one night of pleasure. Even though he wasn’t willing to go that extra step, he was still going to make sure she had a night to remember.

Slowly, as they kissed, his hands drifted down her back to her round ass, cupping her derriere and lifting her slightly. His hips moved against hers, the friction of his jeans rubbing against his cock making him groan into her mouth. Fuck, he didn’t know if he could resist. In truth, he wasn’t sure he wanted to, but he was damn well going to do his best to not take advantage of her.

Lily drew her hands down to his waist, slipping them underneath his Henley, touching the hard flesh beneath. Grasping the fabric in her hands, she dragged it up over his torso, breaking free from the kiss in order to take it off of him the rest of the way. When she finally got to see the chest that she’d only gotten a glimpse of once on the first night they’d slept on the couch, her mind went blank. Here was this man, built like a god, standing before her. She laid her hands on his chest, trailing the fingers over his muscles. She tried to stay away from the scars, unsure of how he felt about them.

But her eyes kept drawing toward them, so she leaned forward, pressing a soft kiss where the ragged flesh met metal. He groaned so she kept going, kissing it over and over again, peppering her lips across the scar. When he picked her up kissing her hard, she couldn’t help but grin, wrapping her legs around his waist.

God, when she kissed his scar so gently, he could feel cracks in the armor he’d built around his heart. The only way to keep from having that barrier break completely was to stop her. It wasn’t fair to her for him to do something so stupid as to become emotional. He honestly didn’t know what would happen. Shuri removed the codewords from him, but that didn’t mean the Winter Soldier was completely gone. He’d never really be gone, not as long as the memories of his kills lingered in the back of Bucky’s brain.

When the kissing slowed, Lily pulled back, cupping his face in her hands. Softly, she asked, “Where’d you go?”

Bucky shook his head, striding over to the bed, but he didn’t put her down. “Don’t worry about it, doll. Tonight’s about you.” 

As he put her onto the bed, she kneeled on the mattress, her face level with his. “I want it to be about you as well.”

Even though he knew his pleasure would have to be found elsewhere, just knowing that she was happy was enough for him. “Don’t worry, doll. I’m getting a lot out of this.” He cupped her jaw with a hand, then moved it to the back of her head, digging into her thick brown hair. “You are so fucking gorgeous, you know that?”

Knowing he was changing the subject, but not why, she decided to let it go. Drifting her hands down his chest, she ignored the question. When her fingers reached his belt buckle, she commanded, “Off! Now!”

“Not yet, doll.” He pressed a hand to her chest between her breasts, pushing back lightly. “Lay down for me.”

Sitting back on the bed, she laid down, spreading her legs wide for him. One hand moved to the juncture between her thighs and she trailed a finger over her clit, hissing when she touched the hard nub. In all her years, she’d never been this turned on. She never thought it was possible. Not until him. “Bucky, please, take your pants off,” she pleaded.

“Not yet.” He smirked, kneeling on the bed between her outstretched legs. Sitting back on his heels, he looked down at her, enjoying the sight of her panting with need. Moving slightly, he positioned himself over top of her, keeping his body just far enough away that he wasn’t quite touching her. Leaning down, he pressed a gentle kiss to her lips. “I’m going to make you feel good, Lily. If at any time you don’t like something, just…”

“Get on with it, Bucky!” she exclaimed.

Pushing himself up more, he frowned. “No, listen to me. If at any time you don’t like something, tell me, I’ll stop. Promise me.”

Softening, she grabbed his head in her hands and pulled him back down, kissing him hard. “I promise. Now fuck me!”

Chuckling, he slipped his flesh hand between them and moved it to her pussy, groaning as he felt how wet she was. Fuck, she was wetter than… Shaking his head, he stopped the thought before it finished. This was no place to be thinking about other women. “I’m going to make you come with my fingers, doll. Then, I’m going to make you scream with my mouth.”

“That’s a mighty bold claim,” she gasped out as one of his fingers circled her clit. When he pushed two of his fingers deep inside of her, her pussy spasmed in a near orgasm. “Are you sure you’re up for it?”

“Oh, doll, I’m up for anything.” Smirking again, he started slowly moving his fingers in and out of her while using his thumb to rub her clit. She started making mewling noises deep in her throat, her hips moving in time with his thrusts.

“Fuck… Bucky…” Her inner walls tightened on his fingers from his ministrations. She was close. All she needed was a little more. “More… need… more.”

Bucky lowered his head to one of her breasts, capturing the nipple between his lips, sucking it into his mouth. Placing his teeth around it, he nibbled gently as his tongue lapped at the nub. She started moaning, her hands grabbing his hair, tightening on the strands holding him in place. But he didn’t mind. He liked knowing that she was enjoying what he did.

As her hips started moving faster, he inserted another finger and her back arched as he sucked the nipple harder, and she orgasmed for the first time. Her pussy fluttered around his thrusting fingers and she yelled, “FUCK!!”

His fingers slowed and he lifted his head, grinning down at her. “That’s one. You good for another?”

“Fuck,” she moaned as he withdrew his hand, the motion setting off another tiny orgasm. “I want you, Bucky.” She looked into his eyes, then down at his pants. “Take those off. Please.”

“No.” God, it was so tempting. But he couldn’t… no, he wouldn’t do that to her. “I said I was going to make you come with my mouth. I always keep my promises.”

When he scooted down and she felt him blow lightly on her clit, she moved her hands back to his hair, grasping the strands so she could lift his head. “Bucky,” she pleaded. “Please.”

Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath. If she kept pleading with him to fuck her, he was going to break. When he opened them again, he stated, “Not tonight. Tonight is all about you. I want you to know that pleasure is meant to be given, not just taken. I want you to know what it feels like to be with someone who actually gives a shit about you.” She opened her mouth to argue and he raised an eyebrow, waiting until she closed it again. “I’m enjoying making you come, doll. Don’t think I’m not. But you deserve better than a one night stand. And since I can’t give you that, I’m going to give you what I can.”

“Oh, Bucky,” she whispered. His words sounded so sincere, so honest, that she couldn’t even argue with him. She knew it wouldn’t do any good, even if she did. So she did the only thing she could… she guided his face back between her thighs and challenged him, “I believe you said something about making me scream.”

Bucky placed his mouth on her clit, licking it with long strokes. His metal arm went under her right leg, propping it onto his shoulder, then he moved the hand so his fingers splayed on her stomach. With his flesh hand, he slipped it between them, inserting two fingers back into her pussy, curling them up and rubbing against her g-spot.

“Fuck,” she groaned, head falling back on the pillow, eyes fluttering shut. She was so close already, it wouldn’t take much for her to tip right over the edge. “Bucky… oh, god… Bucky.”

He lifted his head slightly. “I want you to scream for me, Lily. Let yourself feel. I’ll catch you.”

Her heart broke a little at his words, but she just gasped, “So close.” When he sucked on her clit again, fingers pressing harder against her g-spot, her entire body shook with the force of the orgasm. She gasped as her back arched off the bed, hips writhing about even as he held her down. “Bucky… Bucky… BUCKY!!”

As she came down from her high, he pulled his fingers out of her, moving his mouth away from her sensitive flesh. He wiped his hand on his jeans and crawled over top of her, pressing a chaste kiss against her lips. Her eyes were still closed as she panted, her entire body trembling. Reaching up with his metal hand, he trailed a finger down her face until her eyes fluttered open. “I’m going to take care of… I’ll meet you in the theater room in thirty minutes?”

All she could do was nod, then kiss him softly before he left. Laying there, a tear escaped, rolling down her cheek. Then another. Swiping at them, she turned over and buried her face in her pillow, letting the fabric soak up both the wetness and the sobs as they escaped. Why she had thought she could be with Bucky like that and then go back to being just friends, she didn’t know. But she couldn’t sleep with him, not after that.

Going from being attracted to someone, to realizing that it wasn’t that simple, sucked. If she kept being that close to him, she knew her heart would get broken. After Brock, she’d had enough of that in her life. The worst part was she could tell that if she let herself fall, she would love Bucky more than she’d ever loved… ever thought she loved Brock. Getting off the bed, she went over to the door and locked it, then climbed under the covers and cried herself to sleep.

\--------------------

Bucky had finished showering and taking care of his problem, treating it like any other inconvenience. Slipping on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt, he headed to the theater room with a smile on his face. Being with Lily had been better than any other woman, even Sharon. He hated the fact that he knew he could never love her. It just wasn’t part of his genetic makeup.

Pushing open the door, he frowned when he saw the light off. Switching it on, he looked around in confusion. She wasn’t there. Why didn’t she show up? Fuck, he couldn’t sleep with her in her bed, that would be too intimate. Plus, he really didn’t want Natasha and Steve to know what they had done. If she wanted to tell them, fine, but he had no plans to do so.

Walking back down the hallway, he stopped in front of her door, intending on going back inside and seeing if maybe she’d fallen asleep. But when he heard soft sobbing coming from inside the room, he got mad at himself. He must have hurt her. Fuck, sometimes he didn’t know his own strength. No wonder she didn’t want to spend the night on the couch with him. It took everything he had to not go inside and apologize profusely. He couldn’t believe he’d done that. It was the one thing he never wanted to do.

Spinning away, he strode down the hallway, away from her. However, he didn’t go back to his bed. Spending the past two weeks on the theater room couch had changed the way he felt about it. His room was cold and sterile, with no personal touches. Ever since they had let him move in, he’d been waiting for them to kick him out. Having mementos would just mean it would take that much longer to pack, make it that much more difficult to leave.

Lying down on the couch, he stared at the ceiling. He knew sleep wouldn’t come, all he’d be thinking about is what had happened between them. What he’d done wrong. Like every other thing he'd fucked up in his life, it would play over and over in his head, until it became a nightmare tattooed on his soul.


	6. Brave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Brave - Idina Menzel](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luiRqbZ7t8U)
> 
> If this is the moment I stand here on my own  
> If this is my rite of passage that somehow leads me home  
> I might be afraid  
> But it's my turn to be brave  
> If this is the last chance before we say goodbye  
> At least it's the first day of the rest of my life  
> I can't be afraid  
> Cause it's my turn to be brave

The morning after, Lily crawled out of bed feeling more exhausted than she had in weeks. The last two weeks had been spent with Bucky on the couch, getting a solid eight hours each time. The quality of sleep she got with him had been so good she didn’t even need caffeine in the morning to get moving. But today, she felt as if she’d been run over by a truck.

Trudging into her bathroom, she sighed when she saw how puffy and red her eyes looked. There was no way that people wouldn’t notice. She tried wetting a washcloth, pressing cold water onto her face, but it didn’t help. Instead of trying some more, she just put on a pair of leggings and a sweater, shuffling out of her room.

When she got to the living room, the only person there was Natasha, sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee, staring out the window. Her head turned and she asked cheerfully, “So, did you have fun last night?”

A soft smile crossed over Lily's face when she remembered her time spent with Bucky. There was nothing but good memories associated with that time, but still, a tear rolled down her cheek as her smile turned into a frown.

Standing, Natasha quickly strode over to Lily, wiping the tear away with her thumb. "What's wrong? What happened? Do I need to kill someone?"

"It's nothing." When her friend narrowed her eyes, pursing her lips together, Lily knew she wasn't buying it. "I had a good time last night. Other than running into Brock, last night was the best I've had in... in years."

"Then why are you upset?"

Instead of answering the question, Lily changed the subject. "Bucky is…"

What her voice trailed off, Natasha finished the sentence for her. "A great guy. You like him don't you?" Lily nodded and she grinned. "Something happened between you two last night didn't it?"

Lily's eyes dropped to the ground, at least until Natasha placed a finger on her chin forcing her face back up. "Yeah," she mumbled.

"What did he do?" she asked, her voice hard. "I know you didn't spend that much time with Brock, so this sadness is not because of him. What did Bucky do?"

"He didn't do anything," she protested softly. "God, Nat. He was amazing. I didn't know sex could feel like that. Shit, I didn't know anything could feel like that."

"Have you never…" Natasha took a deep breath, then realized what her friend had said. "You guys had sex?"

"No," she denied. "He wouldn't. But he made me orgasm. Twice! I didn't even know that was what it was supposed to feel like. Does it always feel that good?"

"That was your first orgasm?" Natasha asked in a hushed breath. "Ever? Not even by yourself?" Looking around, she realized the living room was probably not a good place to be discussing this. Grabbing Lily's hand, she dragged her down the hallway to the theater room which was practically soundproof. Sitting her down on the couch, she kept a hold of her hand. _"Solnyshka,_ have you really never experienced pleasure like that before?"

Taking a deep breath, Lily replied matter of factly. "No. I thought I had before, sometimes sex felt good. But, I think it's one of those things where you don't realize what you're missing until you've had it."

"Oh, _solnyshka."_

"It's okay, Nat, really." Lily looked down at her hands as she tried to explain. "There's a lot about my past that you don't know. There's a lot about my time with Brock that you don't know. Mama was always telling me how good girls behaved. Good girls don't wear skirts above their knees. Good girls don't read those trashy romance novels. Good girls don't enjoy it when a boy kisses them." She looked up, thankful that Natasha was able to hide the pity in her eyes. "Mama also taught me that sex was for a man's pleasure, not my own. That it wasn't something I was meant to enjoy. That sex was for procreation, nothing else."

"Lily," Natasha said gently, "why didn't you ever tell me this?"

Shrugging, she kept her voice even. "I didn't realize it was wrong until I moved in with you." Lifting her free hand, she laid it on her friend's cheek. "My mother taught me that as a woman I was meant to be subservient, doing whatever the man wanted. But you, Natasha Romanoff, ex-assassin extraordinaire, you taught me that I'm worth more than that. You taught me that I deserve more than a guy who would yell at me for wearing a dress that showed even a hint of cleavage, calling me a slut. You taught me that I deserve to be happy. You and Steve have shown me that real love is possible."

"Did Brock call you a slut last night?" she asked, her voice full of rage. 

"It doesn't matter, that was last night. I'm not worrying about it anymore."

Natasha laid her other hand on top of the one on her cheek, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. When she opened them, a smile ghosted over her lips. "So, you and Bucky?"

The frown returned, and she withdrew both of her hands, twisting them together on her lap as she stared at her fingers. "There is no me and Bucky. After he looked at me the way he did in that dress, I thought that maybe, just maybe, he was interested in me. So I brought it up like you taught me. I'm trying to step outside of my tiny bubble of comfort and go after the things I want. But this time it kind of backfired on me."

"How?" Natasha gently prodded her friend.

"He told me that I deserve more, that he couldn't give me more than a one-night stand. So I told him that was all I was looking for. I lied." Her voice started to quiver as another tear fell down her cheek. "But I thought at least, even if I couldn't have him for more than one night, I could take whatever he was willing to give. But when I tried to get him to fuck me…" She sighed. "He wouldn't do it. He said it wasn't fair to me."

"Fucking stupid moronic dumbass motherfucker." Natasha shook her head, unable to believe that Bucky had turned down being with the beautiful woman in front of her. "Do I need to go and kick his ass for you?"

"No," she huffed out, mouth working up into a smile. "Don't need to kick his ass. It's my fault for getting my expectations higher than they should have been."

"I've known Bucky now for six years, he's a self-flagellating idiot. But he's still a really good guy, you just have to break past his defenses. Push him. Tell him the truth, tell him that you like him and want to try. He was hurt before, so it might take a bit, but I think you guys would be good together."

"I don't know," she mumbled. "It's not fair of me to push him into something that he doesn't want."

"God, you sound like him. Who cares if it's fair or not? Go after what you want. If you go after it and he decides that he doesn't want to try, at least you'll know. But if you don't... do you want to look back at this time and regret not knowing whether or not he could have been the one?"

"I'll think about it."

"Good." Natasha stood and walked over to the theater room door, opening it up. "Now, let's go get a small breakfast before I take you to SHIELD headquarters and kick your ass."

Lily chuckled, following her out of the room. "Lead the way."

\-------------------- 

A week after he had spent the night with Lily, Bucky was exhausted and miserable. She'd been avoiding him, which he didn't blame her at all for. The soft sobbing he'd heard coming from her room when he went to go find her is what made him realize he must have hurt her, that was the only logical explanation for it. So instead of getting a good night's sleep in her arms, he'd been running on less than an hour every night. The only thing that kept him from collapsing at any given moment was his super-soldier constitution.

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. It was about time to get it all cut off again. It hung a few inches past his shoulders, growing about half an inch a week because of his increased cell regeneration. But he just couldn't find it in him to care. 

Striding down the hallway, he headed for the gym, hoping that hitting something might help him get a little bit of energy back. But when he went inside, he saw Steve at the punching bag and stopped, hoping his friend wouldn't notice him.

When Steve heard the door open, footsteps entering and then halting abruptly, he looked over and saw Bucky standing there. Grasping the punching bag with both hands, he took several deep breaths. The last thing he wanted to do was be angry at his best friend, but Natasha was mad at him for hurting Lily, which only managed to make him upset as well.

Releasing the bag, he pointed to the mat in the middle of the room. "Sparring. Now." He used his 'Captain' voice, a tone that brokered no arguments.

Bucky kicked off his sneakers and went on to the mat, shoulders hunched over as he approached with his hands in his pockets. "Steve... I…"

"Hands up, Barnes." When they both faced each other in a fighting stance, Steve swung, clipping Bucky in the jaw. For a moment, he felt bad. It was never that easy to land one on his friend, there must be something wrong. But when he remembered the sad look he saw on Lily's face, his hands just clenched tighter together. "What the fuck is your problem, Bucky?" He swung again, this time Bucky ducked out of the way.

"Everything!!" Bucky threw his hands to the sides, holding them out palms facing his friend. "Fucking hit me, I don't care!"

"Goddammit, Bucky!" Steve took a step closer and shoved him back a little bit, unwilling to fight someone who wasn't willing to hit back. "Lily is a sweet girl, why do you have to hurt her?"

"Do you think I wanted to?!" He yelled. "I thought she enjoyed herself, I didn't realize I hurt her."

Realization hit Steve like a ton of bricks. "Shit, Buck," he groaned, running a hand through his hair. "That's not what I meant."

"What the fuck did you mean then?" Fuck, he could feel his walls starting to rip even more, the exhaustion making it nearly impossible to keep his emotions in check. He was terrified of what he would become if he lost control, but he couldn't stop the onslaught of feelings that hammered into him like a battering ram. "I heard her crying, I know I hurt her."

"She likes you," he said softly. "You should give her a chance."

"I can't," he said plaintively. "I couldn't love Sharon, I don't have it in me to love her. I'm fucked up, Steve. The only thoughts in my head are these nightmares of the things I've done. She doesn't even know me, not really. How the fuck can she like somebody like me?”

“Bucky…”

Bucky's voice broke as his hands clenched into fists, eyes glistening with unshed tears. “She deserves someone who will make her happy. That's not me.”

“Bucky, you don't know unless you try.” Steve felt sorrow for his friends, but he couldn't truly understand everything that he had been through. Out of everyone on the team, Bucky had it the worst, spending seventy years with HYDRA, being forced to do things against his will. “Give her a chance. Fuck, give yourself a chance. Don't give up just because…”

A tear rolled down his cheek, and he closed his eyes, willing the rest to stay hidden. “I can't,” he whispered. “I can't.” The cracks in his armor were growing larger, the emotions starting to spiral out of control. When a hand touched his arm gently, he reacted, knocking it out of the way as he opened his eyes, shoving Steve back as hard as he could. “Stop!” He yelled. “You don't fucking understand. You never fucking understood.”

“Bucky…”

“I can’t,” he whimpered. “I can't bear to lose someone again.”

“But what if you don't lose her?”

He shook his head, rubbing roughly at his eyes, removing the tears before they could fall. “I lose everything.”

“Bucky…”

“I just... I can't.” Spinning on his heel, he rushed out of the gym and to the garage, planning to get on his motorcycle and drive as fast and far away as he could.

\--------------------

Two weeks. It had been two weeks since Bucky had given her more pleasure in one night than she had received in her entire life. During that time, she hadn't seen him anywhere. Not that she's been actively looking, knowing that running into him would only make her heart ache more. She had hoped that by keeping her distance, her infatuation with him would dissipate. Instead, it just grew stronger.

Natasha's words had bounced around in her head every day and every night. She managed to get some sleep, but only a few hours at a time. But thinking about her parents, how they raised her, the things they'd taught her good girls did and didn't do... it made her realize how fucked up her childhood was. Then she thought of how Natasha had told her to take a chance, to push Bucky. While she didn't want to force him into something he didn't want, her friend was right about one thing, she didn't want to go through life wondering what if.

On day fifteen, when she couldn't sleep again, she climbed out of bed wearing only her long t-shirt and headed down the hall toward the theater room. She was fairly confident he wouldn't be there, but she hoped with all her heart that he was. One way or another, she would find out how he felt about her.

Pushing open the door, she turned on the light and saw him lying on the couch with an arm over his eyes. Wearing only a pair of low slung sweatpants, he looked even more gorgeous than she remembered. But when he lifted his arm off his face, her heart shattered. He looked miserable and exhausted, eyes bloodshot, dark circles etched beneath them. 

Walking over to the couch, she perched on the edge and looked down at him, lifting a hand and pressing her palm against his cheek. “Oh, Bucky. I'm sorry.”

“What're you sorry for?” he mumbled, voice gravelly. “You don't have anything to be sorry for. I'm the one who should fucking apologize.” His voice broke on the last sentence, eyes closing to hide the pain. “I hurt you.”

The anguish in his words was so raw that she immediately responded, “Oh, God, you think you hurt me?” She wanted to cry, thinking about what this beautiful man must have gone through the past two weeks. While she'd been hurting thinking that she was never going to get to be with him again, he had been miserable thinking he had hurt her. Grasping his face in both hands, she leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to his lips, then pulled back just far enough so she could stare down into his eyes. “You did not hurt me. Not even a little bit. In fact, you gave me more pleasure than I've had in my entire life.”

“But... I heard you crying.”

Closing her eyes, she took several deep breaths before opening them again. “I wasn't crying because you hurt me.”

“Why didn't you come to the theater room then?” His words were slightly garbled from exhaustion, quivering with sadness.

“I…” Sighing, she sat all the way up and laid her hands in her lap, staring down at them. She had planned on talking to him about this, explaining that she wanted to be with him. But she could tell how exhausted and emotional he was, and it wasn't fair of her to do it to him when he was not fully cognizant. Looking back down into his eyes she said softly, “I'm sorry I didn't show up. But, you need to get some sleep before we talk about this some more.”

“I don't think I can,” he whimpered.

Standing, she walked over to the theater door and shut it, then turned off the lights before heading back to the couch. Laying down next to him, she wrapped her arms around him and held on tight until both of his arms encircled her, holding her even closer. When she felt the tension in his body ease, and his breathing becoming more regular, she whispered, “Sleep, sweetheart. We'll talk in the morning.”

\--------------------

When Bucky woke up with the weight of Lily on top of him, he let out a sigh of relief. He's been so exhausted the night previously that he thought he had dreamed it. She was still asleep, looking so peaceful that he hated to wake her. But he couldn’t continue to use her like this, as a crutch to sleep. It wasn’t fair to her. Gently caressing the side of her face, he pushed the hair away and murmured her name, “Lily, doll, wake up.”

Moving about, stretching slightly as she did, Lily opened her eyes to see Bucky’s face inches from hers. God, she wanted to kiss him so bad, to pull him on top of her and tell him that everything would be alright. But he still looked so distraught, she knew that talking had to come first. “Morning,” she said softly, pushing herself up to a seated position. When he did the same, with her sitting on his right side, she threaded her fingers with his flesh ones, drawing his hand onto her lap. “How are you feeling?”

“Tired, but better.” The feeling of her hand in his made his pulse skyrocket. He wasn’t sure if it was from arousal or fear, but he thought it might be a combination of both. “You didn’t have to stay with me last night. I would have been…”

“Hush,” she commanded gently. Turning, she crossed her legs under her, still holding his hand in her lap. She would rather have been physically closer to him, but she needed to see his face. “I stayed because I wanted to, not for any other reason.” When he opened his mouth to say something, she interjected, “Just… let me get this out before you react, okay?”

Bucky nodded, closing his mouth. But in the time it took her to formulate her thoughts, he couldn’t stay silent. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Lily had to close her eyes tight in order not to cry. When she opened them, she lifted a hand and cupped his cheek, turning his face so he looked at her. “First of all, you did not hurt me. Not even a little bit. I wasn’t planning on… This isn’t something I’d… Fuck.” She took a deep breath. “I don’t know how much you remember about last night, but I’m guessing it isn't a lot.”

“Oh, God, did I hurt you again?”

“No!!” Tired of being far away from him, she dropped his hand and swung her leg over his lap until she straddled him. She didn’t even consider how it might look to anyone who walked in, all she wanted was to be as physically close to him as possible. Placing one hand over his heart, the other on his cheek, she said softly, “I’ve never had an orgasm before, Bucky. You were the first. I’m not telling you this to make you feel more manly or whatever, but because I want you to hear me when I say something. You. Did. Not. Hurt. Me. Not even a tiny fractional amount. I got nothing but pleasure from what you did to me.”

“But…”

“I know you heard me crying. But that’s not because I was hurt physically.”

“Fuck, that’s worse,” he dropped his head back onto the cushion, closing his eyes. “If I hurt you physically, at least that goes away. Emotional pain lasts forever.”

Smacking him lightly on the chest, she waited until he looked at her again. “You did NOT hurt me. Not physically, not emotionally. My tears were because I wanted something you told me you couldn’t give me.” She laid a hand over his mouth to preemptively stop any arguments. “I lied when I told you that one night was enough. So any pain I felt was my fault.”

“I should have known it was a bad idea,” he whispered, expression still pained.

Trailing her hands down his arms, she grabbed his hands and threaded her fingers with his, then lifted them until they were over his head, holding them against the wall. In this position, her hips pressed more fully on his pelvis, and she could feel him starting to grow hard. But that wasn’t why she did it. She knew he could get out if he wanted, but she needed him to listen to her. “I like you, Bucky. You are the first guy to treat me like I was more than a hole to fuck. You are the first guy I’ve felt safe enough with, to let down my guard. I don’t even feel like that around Steve.” Pressing a soft kiss to his lips, when he moaned opening his mouth slightly, she slipped her tongue in, kissing him with as much feeling as she could. Pulling back, her next words sounded breathless. “I know you think I deserve better. But I can’t think of a single person who would be better than you.”

Breaking her hold, he moved his hands to her hips, pushing her back so she wouldn’t feel his cock pressing against her anymore. “You don’t know the things I’ve done. The people I’ve hurt.”

He said it so matter-of-factly that she wanted to cry. “I know more than you think I do.” His eyes widened and she sighed, not wanting to tell him, but knowing she had to. “When I was still with Brock, Nat would tell me stories about all the Avengers. She told me stories about you as well. I know that you used to be the Winter Soldier, and you know what, I don’t care. You don’t scare me, Bucky. I know you would never hurt me.”

“How can you be so sure?” His voice was barely above a whisper. “I’m not even sure that I wouldn’t hurt you.”

“Because I got to know you before I knew your name.” Forcing herself forward again, she felt her aching pussy press against his hard cock and had to swallow a moan. She leaned forward, wrapping her arms around his torso, resting her face against the crook of his neck. “I’ve had a lot of time the past few weeks to figure out what I would say to you if we ever talked about your past. And you, James Barnes, are a good man. The Winter Soldier, he wasn’t a villain, he was a tool that HYDRA used. You had no control over your actions. Since Steve liberated you, all you’ve done is good.” She pushed back enough that she could look into his eyes, not bothering to hide the tears that trickled slowly down her cheeks. “Nat told me about the children in Wakanda, how you mentored them while you were there getting the new arm and the codewords taken out. She told me about the underprivileged youths you give self-defense lessons to, all the while teaching them that they can be better people than those around them.” Lifting a hand, she ran it through his hair to the back of his scalp, drawing his head closer to her. “She told me how you go to the VA, spending time with all the soldiers who’ve lost limbs, telling them that life will get better. That losing a limb doesn’t make them less. You, James Buchanan Barnes, are a good man.”

“Do you really see me that way?”

“Yes.”

“Is that why you want to be with me?” He was terrified of her answer. Because if the only reason she wanted to try was because of the man she thought he was, he couldn’t do it.

“No, not at all.” She gave him a stern look, tempering it with a soft smile. “I want to be with you because you make me feel. Because the man that I like, he’s the one that made me feel beautiful without trying. The man I like, he never treated me like less simply because I was born female. The man I like, he’s the one who held me while I slept, but didn’t try to fuck me like any other guy would have. That is the man you are, Bucky. The rest is awesome, but it’s just more proof of the good man you are.” Taking a deep breath, she said the part she definitely did not want to say. “I like you, a lot. But… I’m not going to push you into something you don’t want. If this isn’t something you want, if you don’t like me, I’ll… I’ll be fine. But I can’t go through life wondering what could have happened if I took the chance.”

Closing his eyes, Bucky thought about everything she said and the way she said it. There hadn’t been even the slightest hesitation in her voice. He still didn’t know if he could ever love her, didn’t know if he was worthy of her, but he also didn’t think he could stay away. Opening them again, he released a heavy sigh. “I don’t know if I have it in me to love.”

“Can you try?”

“I’m scared,” he admitted.

Moving her arms to his neck, she draped them there in a loose hug. “I am too, Bucky. I’m fucking terrified. I thought I loved Brock, but it turns out that what I thought was love wasn’t. I’m not asking for forever…” He raised an eyebrow and she chuckled. “I’m not, I promise. I may want forever with someone, but I would never make them swear to stay with me forever when we don’t even know if we’re really compatible.”

Bucky raised his hips slightly, pressing his cock more fully against her. “I’d say we’re pretty compatible, doll.”

She gasped, glaring at him. “That’s not what I mean and you know it.” But still, she leaned forward and kissed him hard, grinding against him as she did. Moaning against his mouth, she had to pull back and stop moving or they would never finish the conversation. “I want to give us a chance. And not just because of our undeniable sexual chemistry. I like you. You, Bucky. Please, I know you don’t think you’re good enough, but I say you are more than good enough for me. All I’m asking is that you give us a chance. That you…”

“Will you shut up for a second and let me answer?” he teased. When her mouth snapped shut, he rubbed small circles on her back, the touch calming him instantly. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to love you. I don’t know if I have it in me. Sharon and I were together for over three years, and I never loved her, not in the way she deserved. What if I can’t love you the way you deserve?”

“Oh, Bucky.” She hugged him tight this time, wanting to cry. “I’ll be the judge of whether you love me enough. I’m happy if you’re willing to try, that’s all I ask.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?” She couldn’t keep the hope out of that one word. “You’ll give us a chance?”

“Yes, I’ll give us a chance.” He breathed in her scent, holding her close to his body. “I like you too, Lily.”

Climbing off of his lap, she looked down at his tented sweatpants with a smile. “Unfortunately, we’re not sleeping together yet. I want a date first, Mr. Barnes.”

“We’re still gonna sleep though? Right?” Running a hand through his hair, he tried to keep his voice calm, but his words rushed out almost faster than his mouth could keep up with. “I can’t go another two weeks with no sleep. I hate using you like that, but you’re the only thing that’s made it so I could sleep through the night. Your presence keeps the nightmares at bay.”

Stepping between his legs, she leaned forward, hands on the back of the couch on either side of his shoulders and she kissed him to stop the rambling. Pulling back, she moaned. “I will sleep with you whenever you need it. Trust me, I sleep better with you too.” As she stood, she held up a hand to stop him from speaking. “And I don’t feel like you’re using me unless I’m using you too. We have a mutually beneficial arrangement, and I like you. All this means is I get to spend more time with you.”

“No bed until we’re… you know.”

“Fine,” she agreed. Glancing back down at his lap, she grinned. “I’m going to go get ready for the day. You should probably take care of that before you run into anyone in the hallway.”

Bucky stood, striding toward her. Picking her up, he forced her to wrap her legs around his waist and then moved to the door. “Now they won’t see.”

As he strode down the hall to his bedroom, she had to bite her lip to keep from moaning. Every step his cock pressed harder against her aching clit, and it was all she could to not beg him to fuck her. When they reached his door, he slid her down his body, then kissed her gently. She asked softly, “When do you have time for a date?”

“How about today? We can leave the compound, go get lunch or something. Or hell, we can make a picnic and take it out on the giant lawn out back. Whatever you want.” When she didn’t respond, he added, “Or we can wait. Whatever works for you”

She was speechless that he was so eager for a date. Standing on her toes, she pressed a soft kiss to his lips. “I think a picnic out back today sounds wonderful. I’ll meet you at noon in the living room.”

After Bucky had gone into his room, Lily felt like she was floating on air as she headed to Natasha and Steve’s room. Knocking on the door, she couldn’t keep the grin off of her face as the door opened. Steve stood there, a confused look on his face. “Lily?”

“Is Nat here?”

“Coming,” Natasha yelled. Slipping underneath Steve’s arm, she stepped in front of him, taking in the blissful look on her friend’s face. “Oh my god, you did it.”

“Yup!” she exclaimed, laughing. “He said yes. We’re going on a date!”

“Hot damn!!” Natasha pulled Lily into a hug, whispering in her ear, “I’m so happy for you.”

“I couldn’t have done it without you, Nat.”

“Sure you could have.” Pulling back, Natasha reached up and tucked a lock of hair behind Lily’s ear. “I’m so fucking proud of you.” Then she grinned. “So, when’s the date?”

“What time is it?”

“Nine,” Steve answered.

“Then it’s in three hours.”

“Three hours! Shit, then we better get to work.” Natasha looked at her friend critically. “Go to your room, I’m going to get dressed and meet you there in ten minutes. We’ve got our work cut out for us.”

As Natasha headed back inside, Lily called out, “I love you, Nat.”

_“Ya tozhe tyebya lyublyu, solnyshka.”_


	7. Begin Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Begin Again - Taylor Swift](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cMPEd8m79Hw)
> 
> Took a deep breath in the mirror   
> He didn't like it when I wore high heels, but I do   
> Turned the lock and put my headphones on   
> He always said he didn't get this song but I do, I do
> 
> Walked in expecting you'd be late   
> But you got here early and you stand and wait   
> I walk to you   
> You pull my chair out and help me in   
> And you don't know how nice that is, but I do
> 
> And you throw your head back laughing like a little kid   
> I think it's strange that you think I'm funny 'cause he never did   
> I've been spending the last eight months thinking all love ever does   
> Is break and burn and end   
> But on a Wednesday in a café I watched it begin again

“Are you sure I should wear this dress?” Lily smooth her hands over the white fabric as Natasha finished with the last loose curl of her hair. It looked almost brand new again, the red wine stain completely gone after her friend had worked her magic on it.

“Yes!” She turned off the curling iron and set it down, walking in front of Lily and crouching down on the ground. Looking up into her eyes, she said softly, “I want you to see that it wasn't the dresses fault that Brock was an asshole.”

“I know it wasn't the dress,” she argued. “I know Brock was an asshole. I just…” Her voice trailed off, not wanting to voice her unease with wearing it again. Even though she'd worn that skimpy thing Natasha had gotten for her at the party, she was still worried that her white dress was too revealing.

“Then why are you worried about wearing it?” Natasha studied her friend's face, reading the subtle cues there. _“Solnyshka,_ Bucky is going to think you're beautiful, no matter what you wear. He won't care if you're wearing sweatpants or a negligee, he likes you. That's why he said yes. He would have said no if he wasn't attracted to you.” Shaking her head, she contradicted herself, “Actually, he’s said no to people he was attracted to before. He would have said no if he didn't think you were worth it.” She lifted a hand, tapping it gently under Lily’s chin. “Buck up. You're going out on a picnic date with a super-soldier, on a gorgeous spring day, in one of the most secluded places in New York. Have some fun.”

“Are you telling me to…” Her eyebrows rose up on her forehead in mock shock. “Well, I never. Mama raised me to be a good girl.”

Even though Lily was joking, Natasha's face hardened. “Don't ever say that again. You don't need to be chaste to be a good girl. Shit, that phrase makes me angry. You are beautiful and strong, fuck this good girl nonsense.”

“You're right,” Lily said succinctly. “I won't joke about it, not ever again.”

“Good.” Natasha stood and held out her hand, waiting for Lily to take it so she can help her up off the chair. “Now, let's get you out to the living room for Bucky thinks you're standing him up. “

Lily glanced at the clock. “I still have ten minutes.”

“Yes, you do. But if we sit around talking, you might be late. Plus, I want to see his reaction when he sees you for the first time.”

Shaking her head, the corners of Lily's mouth worked up. “All right, let's go then.”

When they walked out to the living room, Lily saw everyone milling about near the kitchen, talking with one another. Bucky stood apart from them in the living room, a giant picnic basket on the floor next to him, a blanket laid on top of it. She whispered to Natasha, “Why is everyone out here?”

Stepping in front of her friend, she grasped her shoulders and replied back just as softly, “Bucky hasn't been this happy in a very long time. Even with Sharon. They're just supporting him like I'm supporting you.”

“Why is he so early?” Lily couldn't help but be surprised by the fact that he already had a picnic basket ready, and was waiting for her before it was even noon. She couldn't believe that any guy would show up on time, let alone early. Nevermind the fact that he was the one to put together the basket.

After moving her hands, Natasha pushed her gently in the direction of Bucky. “He wants to make you happy. Go. Have fun. Live a little.”

Lily walked over to him, hands clasped in front of her. As she stood there, the room silenced and she knew everyone was looking at them. “Hi,” she mumbled.

“Hey, doll.” He bent down and picked up the basket, then offered her his other hand. As she took it, interlacing their fingers together, he said, “Shall we?”

They left the building, walking down a garden path and silence toward a copse of trees. He let her further down the path, to a small clearing in the mini-forest. Setting the basket down, he took the blanket off the top and spread it out, took off his shoes, then sat down and patted the space next to him. When she joined him after removing her sandals, he had a big smile on his face. “God, you really are beautiful.”

She flushed, unused to hearing such praise. “Thank you.”

Bucky gestured at the picnic basket. “I'm not really sure how to do this. Sharon and I..." Shaking his head, he stopped himself from completing that thought. "Fuck, I'm already screwing this up. Shouldn't talk about other women on a first date.”

She reached out and grabbed the hand closest to her, holding the slightly cool metal in between both of her hands. “She was a part of your life for a long time. I'm not upset if you talk about her. I'm sure there will be times where I mention Brock, so I guess we should just make a pact that will never get angry at the other person for doing that.”

“As long as you don't say he was better in bed,” Bucky joked.

Face turning serious, she stated, “Yeah, you don't have to worry about that.”

Bucky's face fell, but he didn't want to bring up any bad memories so instead, he went back to what he was originally going to say. “Sharon and I didn't really date. Yeah, we were together for over three years, but it wasn't really like that. I just... I want to make this good for you.”

“Bucky, sweetheart, I would be happy with anything. You don't need to try with me.” She scooted closer to him, leaning her head against his shoulder. “As long as you're being yourself, that's all I care about.”

God, she was so sweet and understanding, so fucking perfect. He didn't understand how someone who had been hurt the way that she had could be so calm and rational. Then he remembered what he had overheard, and felt guilty for listening all over again. Swiping a hand over his face, he groaned. “I have something I need to tell you.”

“What's wrong?” she asked nervously.

“I… I, uh… fuck.” Bucky looked away, unable to meet her eyes. "Remember that night you were outside and I came out and sat down on the chaise with you?”

“Yes,” she replied warily.

“I, uh…” Admitting what he had done was harder than he thought. Taking a deep breath, he muttered the words quickly, “I overheard your prayer.”

For a second Lily was upset, not at him for overhearing, but because what she had said had been so raw and revealing and she didn't want him to think less of her because of it. But then, she quickly realized that he liked her anyway. This had happened a month ago and he hadn't started treating her any differently after. Reaching up with a hand, she turned his face back to hers.

But before she could say anything, he added, “I'm sorry. I shouldn't have stayed, or I should have let you know I was there. At the very least, I should have told you about it sooner. I'm sorry.”

“Oh, Bucky, you have nothing to apologize for. I'm not upset that you heard it. Maybe you being there was the answer to my prayer. I needed someone that would listen, and so you heard.”

Shaking his head, he still couldn’t help but feel like he’d done something irredeemable. “I shouldn’t have listened.”

Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath and counted to ten, before opening them and speaking. “I’m going to promise you something, okay?” He nodded. “I swear to you, I will never lie to you. If you ever ask me something, I will answer honestly, even if you don’t like the answer. So, why don’t you ask me if I’m upset with you for listening.”

“Are you upset with me for listening?” he asked, voice barely above a whisper.

“No!” she said firmly. “Not even in the slightest. There was nothing I said that I wouldn’t tell you if you asked me. Hell, I’ll tell you every gory detail of my life right now if you want to know, but I don’t want to spoil our date.” Leaning forward, she pressed a soft kiss to his lips. “What did I tell you before, James Barnes? You are a good man. If there is one thing I will never worry about with you, and that is you hurting me.”

Letting out a sigh of relief, some of the tension he’d acquired from the memory dissipated and he opened the basket, pulling out two cans of Coke and two sandwiches. “Sorry it’s not fancy, but I don’t cook.”

She took the food from him with a huge smile on her face. “Don’t apologize. You took the time to make it. That’s more than… I appreciate that.”

They started eating, but every time she looked over at him, her heart started beating faster. Now that they weren’t discussing heavy topics, seeing his blue eyes glance her way sent a wave of longing through her body. After a few minutes, she couldn’t take it anymore and set the rest of her sandwich down, crawling on top of him, her hips straddling his. Taking the sandwich and Coke out of his hands, she set them down as well, then cupped his face in his hands. “You know what I’ve thought about for the last two weeks?”

“What?” he asked, voice hoarse. His hands moved to her hips as he felt himself growing hard in his jeans.

“Kissing you.” She pressed her lips against his briefly. “Touching you.” She let her hands drift down to his shoulders, then moved then down his chest to the bottom of his shirt. Gripping the fabric, she pulled it over his head, tossing it to the side. “Biting you.”

Before she could do just that, he grabbed her shoulders, raising an eyebrow. “Biting me?”

She could hear the humor in his voice, so she smiled. “I dunno, just something I thought about.” Frowning, she added, “I wouldn’t hurt you.”

“Oh, doll, you couldn’t if you tried.”

Taking that as a challenge, she leaned forward and sunk her teeth into the soft flesh at the base of his neck where it met his shoulder, pressing just hard enough to leave indentations. “You know what else I’ve thought about?” When he moaned, she said, “Licking you.” Her tongue darted out, traversing a path from the bite mark up his neck. Then she kissed him again, this time harder as her hips started grinding against him, the feel of him pressing against her making her even hornier. “Sucking you.” Her voice got even breathier, but she couldn’t complete that task without getting off of him. Leaning forward, she started unbuttoning his jeans while whispering in his ear, “Fucking you.”

He moved his hands over hers, stopping the movement. When he spoke, he sounded sad. “Shit, I didn’t plan for this, doll. I don’t have any…”

She stopped him by pressing her lips against his again. Pulling back, she had to take several deep breaths to be able to speak again. “I’m on the pill, and I’m clean. After… Natasha made me get checked.”

“Me too,” he added softly. “But I don’t mind waiting.”

“Fuck that, Bucky, I want to feel your cock deep inside of me. I don’t want to wait… again.” Unbuttoning his pants, she cursed when she realized she would have to move in order to get them off. Backing off of him, she knelt and watched as he pushed his pants down with his underwear, cock thick and hard as it jutted out from his thighs. 

“I wanna see you,” he groaned.

She quickly lifted the dress over her head, took off her bra, then followed with her panties. Putting herself back on his lap, she placed her wet pussy right over his cock, grinding on the hard length without putting it inside. God, it felt so good on her clit, the pressure almost enough to make her come. But she didn’t want to do that without him inside of her.

Lifting herself up, she grasped his cock in her hand, looking him in the eyes. “Bucky, is this…”

“Yes,” he moaned. “God! Please!” She placed herself over top of him, slowly sinking down and he had to close his eyes, thinking of anything other than her tight heat encompassing him to not come before she did. Once she was all the way down, he opened his eyes, staring into her gorgeous hazel ones. “Fuck, doll, you feel so good.”

Moving up and down ever so slightly, she moaned with every stroke. He filled her up so completely, it felt better than anything had in a long time. His hands moved to her breasts, cupping them, thumbs rubbing on the nipples as his mouth attached to her neck, sucking and nibbling on the tender skin.

She started moving faster and harder, bringing herself almost all the way off of his cock before thrusting back down. Each time she did that, he sunk so deep inside of her, she could feel him pressing against every erogenous zone she had. Moving one hand between them, she rubbed on her clit and felt her pussy tighten. God, she was so close. It wouldn’t take much more.

“Bucky,” she whimpered. “So close.” The noises she made only turned her on more, her hip movement becoming erratic the closer she got. “Want you to come with me.”

Wrapping his arms around her, he started kissing her hard, using his strength to move her up and down on him. Shit, he was close himself. But he wouldn’t come before her. Pulling his head back, he growled, “Come for me.”

Her head fell back as she screamed, “BUCKY!!” Pussy spasming around him, he kept moving her up and down until he pulled her down hard and came, moaning her name. Head falling forward, Lily gasped as she tried to catch her breath. After a couple of minutes, when he slipped his softened cock out of her, she said cheekily, “I guess this means we can sleep in my bed instead of the theater room.”

Bucky fell back onto the blanket, laughing harder than he had in months. She landed on top of him and he hugged her, rubbing a hand along her back. “Fuck, doll. I’ll sleep wherever the hell you want me to, as long as it’s with you.”

Pressing her hands on his shoulders, she pushed up enough so that she could look down at him. “That was fucking amazing.”

“Yeah, it was.” He couldn’t believe this woman was his. She seemed so different from the first time they’d met, sleeping on the couch together. But at the same time, she also seemed much the same. “I really like you, Lily Hayes.”

“I really like you too, James Barnes.” She pressed a kiss to his lips then yawned. “Nap?”

“Nap,” he agreed, rolling her off of him and pulling her against his side.


	8. Bound To You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Bound To You - Christina Aguilera](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7i2SupYmXpI)
> 
> I found a man I can trust   
> And boy, I believe in us   
> I am terrified to love for the first time   
> Can't you see that I'm bound in chains?   
> I finally found my way   
> I am bound to you   
> I am bound to you
> 
> Suddenly the moment's here   
> I embrace my fears   
> All that I have been carrying all these years   
> Do I risk it all, come this far just to fall, fall?

Lily ran her hands over her hips, smoothing the black silky fabric as she did. She was wearing the dress Natasha had given her because Bucky had said something about taking her out to a nice restaurant. Since it was the only really nice thing she owned, there weren’t any other options. Plus, she knew how much he would enjoy seeing her in it again.

She hadn't even put on her shoes when a knock on her apartment door caused her to pause. Looking at the time, she saw she still had five minutes and chuckled. If there was one thing that she had learned about Bucky in the month that they had been dating, he was always early. Now, from what Natasha told her he was not early to briefings and other work things. Her friend seemed to think it was his excitement to be with her that made him so early for every one of their dates.

Opening the door and seeing a pink dahlia in front of his face, she didn't care why he was early, just that he was there. Taking the flower from him, she brought it to her nose and sniffed. “You remembered,” she breathed, still shocked that a guy could care enough to keep her favorite flower in mind.

“I remember everything, doll,” he responded, a hint of laughter in his voice. While she stared down at the dahlia with a happy smile on her face, he took a second to fully admire her. She was wearing the same dress she'd worn at the party, the silky number that only accentuated the curves she’d acquired after moving into the compound. He groaned, “Fuck, maybe we should stay in.”

Mock glaring at him, she put a hand on her hip. “I think not, Mr. Barnes. You promised me dinner. A lady doesn't put out before she’s wined and dined.”

“Well, milady, I wouldn't want to disappoint.” He waited while she put the flower in a vase and added some water, then slipped on her shoes and grabbed her purse. Holding out his hand, he inquired, “Shall we?”

When they got to the restaurant, Bucky had his metal hand on her back, trying to hide it from the patrons of the restaurant. Even though he agreed with her assessment that it was just a tool, he still didn't like the way other people viewed him when the metal appendage was in sight. But she was having none of his insecurities, grabbing his arm and intertwining her fingers with his metal ones. She whispered, “You never have to hide with me. If anyone makes you feel uncomfortable, you let me know, and we can leave.”

“Isn't that my line?” he joked.

She turned to him, slightly perturbed. “Hey, we can both protect each other.”

“I know,” he said softly, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

“Your table, monsieur, and mademoiselle.” The host walked them through the tables to one in the back, out of view of the public eye. Bucky had specifically requested a more quiet location, wanting to be able to focus completely on her instead of worrying about the safety of their surroundings.

As they moved through the restaurant, out of the corner of her eye Lily noticed a familiar head of blonde hair at one of the tables. Glancing over, she saw Brock and Sharon laughing and sipping on wine. Fingers tightening on Bucky's, she tried to contain the anger she felt toward the asshole she used to date. The sadness had dissipated almost immediately after she and Bucky started dating, but the pain from all the things he said to her had morphed into insatiable anger that she had a tough time controlling. It's part of the reason she had gotten into such good shape. The only thing that kept her from killing him was hitting things.

Before they reached the table, she saw Sharon get up, presumably to go use the restroom. So when they sat down, Lily laid a hand on Bucky's arm and said softly, “I'm going to go use the bathroom.”

Bucky had felt the way her fingers had gripped his, so so he knew there was more to the story than she was telling him, but he also figured that she would tell him when it was time. Leaning forward, he caressed her cheek with the back of his fingers and pressed the soft kiss to her lips. “Do you want me to order you a drink when the waiter gets here?”

“Red wine.” She smiled. “How did I get so lucky with you?”

Bucky just shook his head and chuckled as she got up and walked away. When Lily reached the bathroom, Sharon was standing at the sink washing her hands. She didn't even bother with a pretense of doing the same, just walked up and leaned her hip against the marble countertop. “Sharon?”

The blonde woman looked over at her and nodded. “Yes, can I help you?”

“My name is Lily Hayes.” At that, Sharon's eyes widened and Lily knew she had heard of her. “I... I've been trying to decide for a while if I should do something, and seeing you tonight I realized you have a right to know.”

“What? That you're dating Bucky?” She giggled, a joyous sound. “I'm happy he's found somebody that makes him smile.”

“No.” Shaking her head, she sighed. “I dated Brock for two years. We broke up three months ago. I overheard you…”

“No you didn't,” she denied vehemently. “Brock and I have been dating for nine months. He wouldn't cheat on me.”

“He wasn't cheating on you,” she said softly, putting the emphasis on ‘you.’

“Wait, what did you overhear?”

Taking a deep breath, Lily steadied herself. “It was shortly after we broke up, I was in the locker room, and I heard you and two women talking about a present he'd given you. Finding out that he’d slept with at least three different women during the time we were dating, kind of fucking sucked.” Sharon gasped, and Lily's hand clenched into a fist in order to stop herself from reaching out to offer comfort. “I just thought you should know that he dated somebody for so long, sleeping with who knows how many women. There's always the possibility that if he cheated on me, he'll cheat on you as well.”

“Thank you for telling me,” Sharon said, voice still full of disbelief. “But I need to get back to dinner.”

Lily knew she had done all she could, so she turned and looked at her reflection as Sharon left. Even though the only thing that had changed in her appearance was her weight, she looked so much different than she had since first arriving at the compound three months ago. There was a sparkle in her eyes but hadn't been there before, due in no small part to having Bucky in her life. After taking several seconds to calm down her anger, she headed back to the table.

When she got back to the table, she bent over, letting the fabric drape in such a way that it gave Bucky a great view of her breasts, kissing him soundly. When he pulled back, he was grinning. “What was that for?”

She sat down and took a sip from her cup. “If I tell you something, promise you won't get mad?”

“Fuck, doll, I will never get mad at you for something you tell me.”

“Oh, I'm not worried you're going to get mad at me,” she denied. “I'm more worried you might hurt somebody.” But he just gestured for her to go on, so she took another sip of her drink before saying, “Brock and Sharon are here.”

His eyes narrowed and he felt his fingers clench, but he shut his eyes and counted to ten as Bruce had taught him. Once he had stemmed the flow of anger at the man who had hurt his woman so badly, he asked quietly, “Is that all?”

“So, I didn't have to go to the bathroom,” she admitted. “I saw Sharon get up, and I felt that she deserved to know Brock and I were dating when they got together. I also felt she deserved to know Brock had cheated on me with multiple women.” Reaching out, she laid her hand over his. “She's a good person, I just wanted her to have all the facts so she could make an informed decision whether or not to stay with him.”

Flipping his hand over under hers, he drew her hand up to his mouth, placing a kiss to her knuckles. “Doll, I’m pretty sure I'm the one who got lucky with you.”

“Oh?” She let out a little moan with his eyes drifted up to meet hers.

“I never knew what happiness truly was until I met you.” He chuckled. “I know that sounds sappy as shit, but it's true. It's not that I wasn't happy before, but every day I'm with you I wake up with a smile on my face. I even go to bed with a smile on my face.”

“Fuck,” she mumbled, reaching her hand up to wipe away a tear that rolled down her cheek. “You're going to make me cry and mess up my makeup.”

“Wouldn't want to do that.” He winked and let go of her hand, picking up the menu. “So what are you thinking about getting?”

\--------------------

Bucky stood, holding out his metal hand for Lily to grab. “Ready to go, doll?”

“I am.” She reached up with her other hand, pulling his face down to hers for a soft kiss. “That was delicious, lover. Thank you for bringing me here.”

“Anytime, doll. I'm just happy if you're happy.” They walked out to the front of the restaurant and exited, turning towards the valet. But when Bucky noticed Sharon standing near the taxi waiting line, he stopped moving. Seeing her brought back a lot of bad memories, but at the same time, they didn’t have the same influence on him that they used to.

Lily noticed his unease and glanced over, noticing Sharon as well. “I wonder where Brock is,” she mused. Tugging on his hand, she insisted, “Come on, I want to get home and feel you inside of me.”

As they walked over, Sharon glanced their way and did a double-take when she saw Bucky. Lowering her gaze, she took a deep breath and then met them by the valet check-in. “I’m sorry,” she directed at Lily.

“What for?” Lily’s brow furrowed, unable to figure out why she was apologizing. “You didn’t do anything.”

“I didn’t believe you.” She ignored Bucky, not wanting to upset either of them. “I wasn’t planning on confronting him, because I thought you were just trying to get between us, but when he smiled at the waitress, I snapped. He didn’t admit it, but I could see the shock on his face, the guilt when I accused him of cheating. Of course, he didn’t know I was talking about his cheating on you. When he started stammering how it didn’t mean anything, I realized he’d been cheating on me too.”

Lily reached out, laying a hand on her arm. “I’m sorry. I should have told you sooner.”

Shaking her head, she disagreed, “No, it wouldn’t have made a difference. Besides, what’s past is past. No use crying over what could have been.” She saw Bucky’s SUV pulling up and finally smiled at him, “You guys have a good rest of your night.”

As she walked away, Lily looked at her boyfriend. “Bucky, let’s give her a ride home.”

“Doll…”

“Please, Bucky.” She frowned, glancing over the woman whom she should have disliked because of how she hurt Bucky. But she just couldn’t be mad at her. “I know she’s your ex, but Brock fucked her over and I feel partly responsible. This way she doesn’t have to pay for a cab.”

“Fine.” He sighed, shaking his head ruefully. They walked over and he cleared his throat. “We can give you a ride home if you’d like?”

“No, that’s not…”

Lily interrupted, “Nonsense. There’s no use paying for cab fare when you have friends that are willing to help you.”

“Friends?” Sharon whispered.

“Friends,” she reiterated. Letting go of Bucky’s hand, she slipped an arm through Sharon’s and steered her in the direction of the SUV while Bucky tipped the valet and got into the driver’s seat. Opening the back door, she gestured for Sharon to get in, then climbed into the passenger seat. “Onward, Jeeves.” Everyone laughed, releasing some of the tension in the car.

The drive to Sharon’s house was silent and awkward. Lily didn’t know what to say to Bucky’s ex, and he didn’t want Lily to think that he was still into her. Sharon, she just didn’t want to upset either of them, especially after finding out she had been a mistress. 

When they got to her house, she opened the door. “Thanks for the ride home.” Climbing out, she peeked her head back in through the open door. “I’m really happy you guys found each other.”

After she shut the door and started walking to her front door, Lily turned to Bucky and did something she never actually thought that she would. “Go. Talk to her.”

“Doll?” He sounded so confused.

“Make your peace with her.” Her face softened. “I trust you. Implicitly. Go.”

Sighing, he climbed out of the car and jogged after Sharon. She heard his footsteps, stopping at the door and turning toward him. He shoved his hands into his pockets, staring at the ground as he shuffled his feet from side to side. “I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry, Bucky? It’s not your fault Brock is a cheating bastard.”

“Not for that,” he denied, shaking his head. “I’m sorry I… I’m sorry I couldn’t be a better boyfriend to you. I’m sorry I hurt you.”

“Oh, Bucky.” Stepping forward, Sharon laid a hand on his chest, staring up into his eyes. “Do you remember what I said to you when we broke up?”

Nodding, he mumbled, “I remember everything. Played through my head for months at night.”

Closing her eyes, she mumbled a curse. As she opened them again, she smiled softly. “I said that we weren’t in love, that although we were really good friends and had a lot of fun in bed, it wasn’t right. I could tell that I wasn’t making you happy.”

“You made me happy,” he argued.

“No, I didn’t.” She dropped her hand, but still looked him in the eyes. “Not really. Were there moments of happiness? Sure. But not in the way that either of us deserved.” Sharon glanced over at the car. “That woman over there, she makes you happy. I can see it on your face every time you look at her. So many people have told me how easygoing you are now, how you always seem to be humming some tune, a huge smile on your face.” Reaching up, she laid a hand on his cheek. “I’m so happy for you, Bucky. Love is hard to come by, so hold onto this as tight as you can.”

“Love? What do you mean?”

“Tell her. Life is too short to miss out on those moments because you’re scared.” Standing on her toes, she pressed a kiss to his cheek. “Also, tell Lily that I’m planning on having Brock stationed in Siberia. He’s a douchebag, and I’m pretty sure she’ll be happy about never having to run into him again. I know I will be.”

“I’ll let her know.”

Shaking her head, she chuckled. “Fury is gonna go ballistic when I tell him. But if he doesn’t want to lose me…” Shrugging, she gave Bucky a soft smile. “I am truly happy for you both, really. Now, go back to your girlfriend and tell her that you love her.”

“It’s too soon.”

“With the way she looks at you, it’s not too soon. Trust me, tell her.” Sharon gave him a small smile and turned back to the door. “Thanks for the ride.”

When he got back into the car, he leaned across the center console and slipped a hand behind Lily’s head, pulling her toward him for a deep kiss. As they broke apart, he smiled. “I… Thanks for making me do that.”

“Do you feel better?”

“Yeah, I do.” And he did. He felt as if a giant weight had been lifted off of him. While he hadn’t learned anything new, being able to make his peace with Sharon did him a world of good. Not to mention the realization that he was in… that he was falling in love with Lily. But even though Sharon had told him to tell her, he couldn’t do that yet, it was simply too soon. “Home?”

“Home.”

\--------------------

Pulling him down the hall, Lily laughed as they moved past apartment doors. She had a special place in mind for tonight, one that would remind them of the start of their story. Or at least, the start that she preferred to think about. Stopping in front of the theater room, she turned to her boyfriend. “So, lover, I was thinking we should try something a little different tonight.” Pushing open the door, she dropped Bucky’s hand and stepped inside, turning on the light. Never had she been so happy that the compound was deserted.

Kicking off her shoes, she faced him and reached up, caressing his cheek. “Have I told you how fucking happy you make me?”

“Every day,” he said cheekily. Kicking the door shut, he stalked toward her, pushing her back until she hit the wall. “Hands above your head, together.” She did as he asked, putting the back of one hand on the wall, the other laying on top of it, palms facing him. He reached up with his metal hand, clasping them so he could hold them still. Pressing a gentle kiss to her lips, he said, “I’m gonna make you scream, doll. Good thing this room is practically soundproofed.”

Being held and unable to move did something to her, sending pulses of pleasure through her body. His flesh hand reached down, gathering up the fabric of her dress until it was scrunched above her hips. When his finger touched her wet flesh, unencumbered by underwear, he groaned. “Fuck, you weren’t wearing panties all night?”

“Can see them through the fabric,” she gasped as he slipped a finger inside of her, thumb rubbing against her clit. God, she wanted so much. “Metal… please… want… now.”

He stilled, uncertain what she was asking for. When he did, she took a deep breath, staring straight into his hesitant eyes. “Metal fingers, please,” she pleaded. “I want to feel them in me.”

“Doll?”

“Please, Bucky,” she whimpered, gyrating on the finger that was still in her pussy. “Want them so bad.”

“Keep your hands there,” he tried to say sternly, but his words sounded confused. At least she did as he asked when he moved his metal hand, replacing it with his flesh one. Thinking about putting the thing that had caused so much pain anywhere near her clit sent waves of fear through him. But he couldn’t resist her pleading, nor the mewling noises coming from the back of her throat. Slipping his metal fingers between her thighs, he laid his hand lightly over her pussy. “You sure?”

“God, YES!!” She tried to rub herself on his hand, but he kept it just far enough away that she couldn’t get close enough. “Please… Bucky… fuck me with your metal fingers.”

Carefully, he slid one finger inside of her, marveling at how different it felt to be using his hand in this manner. Using it for pleasure instead of pain. When she whimpered again, he slid in a second finger, slowly moving them in and out of her. While he didn’t have the same sensation in his metal hand that he did with the other, he could still feel her wet heat, feel her pussy clenching on the digits.

She’d been dying to get his metal hand to do more to her than hold her, so finally feeling them inside of her sent her straight over the edge. Her hips moved of their own accord, trying to get him to fuck her faster. “Bucky,” she whimpered, pulling on her hands, trying to free them from his grasp. Being unable to just turned her on more. “More… need more”

“You want more, doll?” He moved a third finger near her opening, caressing the folds lightly. “You want a third finger? For me to stretch you wide?”

“YES!! FUCK!!” When he did, her head rolled back against the wall, eyes fluttering shut. Her hips moved more erratically, frantically fucking herself on the slick metal. The feeling wasn’t completely different from his flesh hand, having warmed up to her temperature, but the thought of what he was doing to her… “Bucky,” she moaned.

Leaning forward, he pressed a soft kiss on her neck, then drew some of the flesh in between his teeth, pressing down lightly. When he lifted his head, he growled, “Fuck, doll, your moans are making me so hard. God, all I wanna do right now is fuck you hard.”

“YES!!”

“Are you gonna come on my fingers? Scream loud enough that anyone in the compound can hear?” Her moans grew louder and he groaned, feeling her clench even tighter on his fingers. “Fuck, love, I want to feel you clench down on my fingers as they fuck you.”

Still pulling on her hands, she moved her hips in time with his hand, then felt herself start to come. “Yes… Bucky… fuck…” Her words came out as she groaned, pussy fluttering on his fingers. Body shaking with her orgasm, he kept fucking her with his hand until she gasped and yelled, “BUCKY!!”

Slowly, he slipped his hand from her, bringing it up to his mouth and sliding the fingers into his mouth. “Fuck, doll, you taste so good. I wanna taste you as you come.”

“Want your cock,” she whined, pulling on her hands as he pressed his body against her. “Don’t wanna wait.”

Dropping her hands, he caught her as she tumbled forward, rubbing her back as she panted against him. Moving his hands to her ass, he scrunched up the dress fabric, then pulled it over her head. “I’m gonna fuck you so good, love.” Letting go of her, he watched for a second until he saw that she could stand by herself and started taking off his clothes, unbuttoning his shirt slowly because he knew she enjoyed watching. But when he got to his pants, he just pushed them down with his underwear.

Lily took a step toward him, “Next time, I’m gonna get on my knees and have you use my mouth to get off.” Reaching out, she grasped his cock, stroking lightly. “But right now, I want you to fuck me.”

Spinning her around, he pressed against her back, moving her towards the couch. Placing a hand between her shoulder blades, he pushed down. “Hands on the arm, love.” She did as he said, looking over her shoulder and wiggling her ass at him. Smacking it lightly, he grinned when she moaned. “Hold still.”

“Don’t wanna,” she groaned, gasping when he spanked her a little harder. “Again.”

“Oh, does my girl want me to spank her?” He slipped his metal hand between her pussy lips, rubbing her clit, while his flesh hand rubbed one of her ass cheeks. Smack. “Is this something you want?” Another slap, this time to the other cheek. “Do you want me to turn your ass a pretty shade of pink?”

“Fuck, yes,” she groaned, trying to push back to get him to give her more.

Chuckling, he withdrew both of his hands, moving one to her hips, the other to grasp his cock so he could line it up with her pussy. “Maybe another time. Right now,” he shoved his cock into her, enjoying the gasp of pleasure she made, “I’m going to fuck you hard. Make you feel so good.” Grasping both her hips, he started moving, slowly. When she whimpered and tried to move her hips faster, he dug his fingers in, holding her still. “I’ll fuck you slower if you move.”

“Please… Bucky… baby…” Glancing over her shoulder, she commanded, “Harder… faster… NOW!!!”

“What my girl wants, my girl gets.” He pulled out slowly, shoving back in so hard and fast that she gasped again. Then, he started moving, hips setting a relentless pace. “Fuck, doll, you feel so good.” He moaned, “I’m not gonna last.”

“Almost… there…” she gasped out, feeling another orgasm rapidly approaching. Every stroke, his cock rubbed up against her g-spot, and he moved so fast in and out of her, her entire body throbbed with need. “Bucky,” she growled, “harder.”

Picking up the pace, he leaned forward, taking one of his hands and placing it on her shoulder, helping him get a better angle to thrust. Her pussy clenched even tighter on his cock and he groaned. “Come for me, doll. I wanna hear you scream.”

On his next thrust, she felt herself fall over the edge of the orgasm, pussy clenching rhythmically on his cock, her legs shaking with the force of the orgasm. “BUCKY!!!” she screamed. Her arms gave out and she fell forward, landing on her forearms on the cushion. But her ass hadn’t moved, he held on tight, still fucking her relentlessly. Another thrust in and he held himself in place, coming as he groaned her name.

Slipping out of her, he pulled her up, having to hold her because her knees were too weak. “Goddamn, love, you are amazing.”

“Pretty sure you wore me out, Bucky,” she mumbled, sagging against him. Lifting her head, she pursed her lips. “Kiss.”

“Yes, ma’am.” He lowered his head, kissing her softly but thoroughly. Then, without releasing her, he reached down and grabbed his shirt, slipping it over her arms. Setting her on the couch, he said, “Go ahead and button that while I put on my pants.” Once she had, he grabbed the rest of their stuff and then picked her up in his arms bridal style, carrying her out of the room. “I think we’ve got a few things to explore together.”

Her jaw cracked as she yawned. “Next time.”

Pressing a kiss to her hair, he agreed, “Next time.”


	9. Like I'm Gonna Lose You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Like I'm Gonna Lose You - Meghan Trainor](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2-MBfn8XjIU)
> 
> I found myself dreaming  
> In silver and gold  
> Like a scene from a movie  
> That every broken heart knows
> 
> We were walking on moonlight  
> And you pulled me close  
> Split second and you disappeared  
> And then I was all alone I woke up in tears  
> With you by my side  
> A breath of relief  
> And I realized  
> No, we're not promised tomorrow
> 
> So I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you  
> And I'm gonna hold you like I'm saying goodbye  
> Wherever we're standing  
> I won't take you for granted  
> 'Cause we'll never know when, when we'll run out of time

_"Have I told you lately how beautiful you are?" Bucky asked, his arms wrapped tight around Lily. He stared down into her eyes, blue gaze seeming brighter than normal. "I don't know what I would do if I ever lost you."_

_Reaching up with both hands, even though they were surrounded by people as they danced, she cupped his face in both hands and pulled it towards her, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. "You will never lose me, my love. I'm with you till the end of the line."_

_Throwing his head back, he laughed. "Oh, doll, there's nothing I wouldn't do to…"_

_"Hey Lily, over here", a voice called out to her._

_Letting go of her boyfriend, Lily turned towards the sound of the voice. What she saw terrified her. Brock stood there with an evil grin on his face, blood dripping from his hands. As he raised them, she could see a knife in one hand also covered in blood leeching off of it onto the ground._

_"You shouldn't have turned around, Lil. Where did your Mr. Perfect go?"_

_As she turned back to where Bucky had been, the sound of Brock's laughter faded away. Bucky was gone. The people milling about her didn't seem to notice, they just kept dancing and laughing as if nothing had happened. As if she hadn't just lost the thing that meant most to her._

_Pushing her way through the crowd she cried out, "Bucky!!" Over and over she called his name trying to find him. The faces in the crowd were ones she didn't recognize, and they started to close in on her, pointing and laughing as she raced through them. Finally, she ran into someone she knew. Stopping in front of Steve, she gasped out, "Have you seen Bucky?"_

_Steve's eyebrows raised on his forehead, "Who the hell is Bucky?"_

\-------------------- 

Lily's eyes popped open, her heart racing as her vision adjusted to the dark and her bedroom. Terrified that the last three months had all been a dream and she was still with Brock, she laid a hand over the one wrapped around her stomach and when she felt cool metal, she sighed in relief.

Stirring, Bucky could tell instantly that something was wrong. Lily had gone still, way too still. When her hand laid over his and she seemed to relax, he pressed a kiss to the back of one shoulder. "You all right, doll?"

Wanting to see his face, Lily turned around in his arms. "Just a bad dream, that's all."

"Want to talk about it?" Even though he didn't have his nightmares nearly as often as he did before meeting Lily, he still had them on occasion. Every time he woke, Lily was always there as a sounding board for him, listening to him talk about his dreams no matter how silly they seemed in the light of day. That was what he wanted to do for her, be there for her no matter what.

But she didn't want to talk about it, instead, pressing a hand against his chest and dragging her fingers down his muscular abdomen, drifting even lower until they brushed up against his hardening cock through his pajama pants. Lifting a leg, she wrapped it around his hips, drawing them closer together. "No, I don't want to talk about it. At least, not right now. But you know what I do want?"

Chuckling, Bucky rolled onto his back, taking her with him so she straddled his body. "Pretty sure I can guess." Lifting his hips, he pressed his aching cock against her core, desperately wanting to sink inside of her. But he knew that no matter how horny she was, it took more than a few seconds of dry humping to get her wet enough for him to be able to slide in. Hands on her hips, he moved them to her ass and lifted her slightly. "Above my mouth, doll."

Her pussy clenched at his words, making her even wetter. Scooting above his head, she knelt there high enough that he couldn't quite reach. When he slid two fingers under her panties and gripped the fabric, she knew what he wanted to do. "Do it," she moaned.

He tugged hard on the fabric, ripping them and tossing them onto the ground. Then he pulled her down on top of him, mouth attaching to her soaking wet clit. Fuck, she groaned out, placing one hand on the wall behind the bed, the other digging into his hair trying to pull him harder against her. "Just like that, baby. God, just like that."

Sucking and nibbling on her pussy, he held her down, using his tongue as a pseudo-cock to fuck her. His fingers gripped her hips tightly and she knew there would be tiny bruises peppering her skin, but she didn’t care. It had taken a while, but she’d finally managed to convince Bucky that a little bruising didn’t matter, that when he held her like that it only made her wetter.

When his teeth started worrying at her clit, she had to put her other hand on the wall as her eyes rolled back in her head, body shaking as she came. “FUCK!!! BUCKY!!!” As his sucking slowed, she looked down at him, eyes half-shut as she smiled. “Holy hell, lover.” She lifted herself off of him, moving down his body until she was closer to his cock, then leaned down and kissed him hard, tasting her cum on his tongue.

“Fuck, love,” Bucky groaned when she pushed up a little bit to look into his eyes. “I’m so glad you’ll kiss me after that.”

“Bucky, sweetheart, I will always kiss you.” Then she shook her head and chuckled. “Well, maybe not after throwing up. But after you eat me out like that… fuck yes, I’ll kiss you all damn day.” Sitting up, she took off her shirt, then grabbed his hands and dragged them up her body until they cupped her breasts. “You know what I want.”

But he released her, tapping her hip. "Up a little, doll." When she did, he quickly pushed his pajama pants down, using his feet to kick them the rest of the way off. Then, when his hands went back to her hips, she grabbed his cock and slipped down onto him. Groaning, his fingers dug into her flesh and he had to close his eyes to keep from coming too quickly. But when she didn’t move, he trailed his fingers up her torso to her breasts, grasping her nipples between his thumb and forefinger, rolling them just tight enough that she gasped. “Oh, doll, I love when you make those little noises for me.”

Covering his hands with hers, she gyrated her hips back and forth, his cock slipping out an inch, then back in. “God, Bucky… you feel so fucking good.”

“Like my cock, huh?” He kept playing with her nipples the way he knew she liked. When he thrust his hips up, she gasped out a moan and he moved his hands down to her hips, holding them up just a couple of inches so he could position his feet and start fucking her from beneath. Over and over again, he thrust into her, never more grateful for his super-strength and the ability to fuck her like this.

“Yes, baby, yes!!!” She tweaked her nipples, noises coming from deep within her that she’d never made before.

“I wanna hear you come for me, love.” He fucked her harder, balls tightening as he did. “Scream for me, beautiful.”

“Bucky, oh God,” she moaned. Lowering one of her hands to her clit, the second she touched the aching nub she started to come, screaming, “FUCK!!!”

“Fuck,” he groaned, flipping her onto her back and pounding into her, before finding his own release. Bending down and placing his forehead on hers, he took in a ragged bread. “Fuck, love, that is some wakeup.”

She started to laugh, dissolving into giggles when he glared at her. “Sorry,” she gasped.

He trailed one hand down her torso, then started tickling at her ribcage. “What have I said about apologizing to me?”

“Only… do it… when done… something wrong,” she managed to get out in between guffaws.

“Exactly,” pressing a kiss to her lips, he rolled off of her and looked at the time. “Fuck! I have a meeting at SHIELD in thirty minutes for an op.”

Pushing him off the bed, she couldn’t help but smile. “Go. I’ll see you tonight. I…” Stopping herself before saying those three little words, she added, “Be safe.”

“Always.”

\--------------------

Sitting on Natasha’s bed, legs crossed underneath her, Lily watched as her friend did her makeup, transforming her into someone unrecognizable. She’d already temporarily dyed her brilliant red hair an unremarkable brown, now she was contouring her face. There wasn’t much she could do about her body, but the face… it was amazing how just a little makeup could make her look like someone else.

“So, you had a nightmare?” Natasha prodded. Lily hadn’t told her much, just that she’d woken panicked, but she knew it must have been bad if she was watching her get ready for a job.

“Yeah,” she muttered, staring at her hands. “We were dancing… Bucky and me… and I heard someone call my name. When I turned around, I saw Brock, hands covered in blood and he asked me where Bucky had gone. When I looked back, I couldn’t find him anywhere. Steve didn’t even know who I was talking about.” A tear rolled down her cheek that she angrily wiped away. “I know Brock is far, far away and can’t hurt him, but I… I can’t lose him, Nat. I just realized that I…”

“That you…” Putting down the makeup, she walked over to the bed and crouched down, staring up into Lily’s downturned face. “You can tell me anything, _solnyshka._ That’s what friends… no, that’s what sisters are for.”

“I love you, Nat.”

 _“Ya tozhe tyebya lyublyu.”_ Lifting a hand, she wiped at a tear that fell down Lily’s cheek. “Now, tell me, what did you realize?”

“That I’m hopelessly in love with Bucky.”

“Oh, is that all?” she scoffed. “I’ve known that for weeks.”

“It’s only been three months. It’s too soon.”

“Lily, it’s never too soon to fall in love. You can’t help how you feel.”

“No,” she argued, “it is too soon. I was with Brock for two years. I thought I was in love. What if…” Her next words were whispered almost too softly to hear. “What if I’m wrong? What if this is just infatuation and I’m not really in love with him? What if I only think I am because he’s so good to me?”

 _“Solnyshka,_ I’m not an expert on the subject by any means, but you love him. I see it, Steve sees it… hell, even Tony has commented to me how in love you are.” Natasha brushed away another tear. “Tell him. I promise you, he feels the same.”

“He told me that he doesn’t know if he’ll ever be able to love me,” she whimpered. Thinking about losing the only person in her life she’d ever truly felt was a part of her soul, Lily still couldn’t help but go down that trail of self-doubt. It didn’t happen often anymore, her reverting back to what she was like before moving into the compound, but sometimes she couldn't help it. She'd been that way for so long, it's almost as if it were ingrained on her psyche.

“Lily Hayes…” Natasha’s voice was stern and commanding. “You are going to tell Bucky how you feel… tonight. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. Promise me you’ll tell him.”

“But, Nat…”

“No.” Laying a hand on her friend's face, she smiled to soften her hard tone. “I love you, Lily. You’re my best friend, the sister of my heart, but you are going to listen to me on this. Tell him. I swear to you, it will have a happy ending. I wouldn’t tell you to do it otherwise.”

“Are you sure?”

“Abso-fucking-lutely.” Standing, she went back to her makeup. “Promise me.”

“I promise.”

\--------------------

Lying in bed, Lily watched as Bucky yawned, taking off his clothes. He’d been in meetings all day about the operation they were going on in a few days, and he was exhausted. Unfortunately, she was so keyed up from thinking about confessing to him all day that she felt like her entire body was vibrating.

Bucky pulled on his pajama bottoms and turned off the bedroom light, crawling under the covers. “C’mere,” he mumbled, grasping Lily by the waist and pulling her close. Burying his face into the crook of her neck, he breathed deeply, the smell of her calming him down instantly.

“Baby, I have something I need to tell you,” she said nervously.

“Mornin’. Too tired,” he grumbled, pulling her even closer.

Turning in his arms, she laid a hand on his face. “Please, Bucky. I know you’re tired, but I need to talk to you about something… something important.”

Instantly, he was awake, even though he still felt like shit. “What’s wrong?”

“Fuck,” she groaned, closing her eyes. “I didn’t mean to make you panic.”

“You said it’s important, I’m listening.” Bucky was trying his hardest not to be short with her, but he really was tired. And when he got tired, he got cranky. Taking a deep breath, he tried again, “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be an ass.”

“No apologizing, remember?” she tried to interject humor into her voice but failed. When he didn’t respond, she opened her eyes to see his red-rimmed blue eyes staring at her. “I… I…” Gulping, she forced the words out, “I love you.”

His eyes widened. “You do?” he asked. “Really?”

“More than anything.” Moving her face the couple inches to close the gap, she kissed him softly. “You are my happily ever after, Bucky. I love you with every beat of my heart. I know it’s too soon, and you probably don’t feel the same yet, but…”

“I love you too,” he interrupted. “With everything I am, I love you. Sharon told me I should tell you, but…”

“Wait, when did Sharon tell you this?”

“Our one month anniversary,” he said matter-of-factly. “I didn’t tell you then because I was worried it was too soon and I didn’t want to scare you off.” His jaw cracked in a yawn and he turned her in his arms, spooning her from behind. “You are my person, forever. Now, go to sleep.”

“I love you,” she whispered, happy to be able to say it whenever she wanted now.

“And I love you.” He pressed a kiss to her shoulder. “Sleep. Now.”

“Night, Bucky.”

\--------------------

_Bucky lay strapped to a table, his green shirt ripped open, dog tags dangling off his neck to the side. A familiar face grinned down at him, a knife in one hand. Trailing the flat of the blade down his captive’s chest, the man said, “Herr Barnes, your girlfriend is really beautiful. I can’t wait until I can get her in my lab.”_

_“NO!!” Bucky yelled, pulling on the restraints. When they wouldn’t break, he looked over and saw that his arm was back. The metal arm had disappeared. Staring at the man, he had a realization of who he was. “Fuck you, Zola. You can go straight to hell. Lily will never…”_

_“No, Frauline Hayes will not give herself willingly. Unless of course, I agree to exchange you for her.” Shrugging, Zola dragged the tip of the knife down Bucky’s sternum, a line of blood welling to the surface. “Your love would do anything for you, including die.”_

_“No!!” Bucky tugged and tugged at the restraints, tears pouring down his face. “You can’t have her.”_

_“That’s not up to you, Herr Barnes.”_

\--------------------

Bucky shuddered awake, his heart beating a rapid staccato in his chest. The only thing that kept him from going insane was the feeling of Lily’s body pressed against his. It had only been a dream… a nightmare. Somewhere along the way, he’d stopped dreaming of the things he’d done, and started living out new terrors. Every one of his new nightmares involved losing Lily in some way or another.

Pressing a kiss to her back, he crept out of bed as gently as he could, knowing he wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep. Padding out of his room, he had a thought. At this time of night, there was only one person who might be awake, and Bucky needed him for what he was planning on doing. His sleep-addled mind had made a decision, and no matter how stupid it was, he would follow through.

Opening the door to Tony’s lab, he let out a sigh of relief when he saw him soldering to AC/DC. “Tony,” he called out, not wanting to scare him.

But Tony jolted anyway, looking over his shoulder. Seeing Bucky, he turned off the soldering iron and flipped up his mask, a big grin on his face. “Terminator, what can I do you for?”

“I need to get into the safe.”

Tony’s eyebrows shot up his forehead. “What for? The only thing you have in there is…”

“My mother’s ring.”

“Buckster, Buckaroni, Buckmeister…” Tony laughed when Bucky glared at him. But then he turned serious. “It’s only been six months, don’t you think it’s a little too soon to propose.”

“I’m not gonna propose to her, Tony,” Bucky said, exasperated with the man. Even though he and Tony would never be friends because of how the Winter Soldier had killed his parents, they were amicable with one another. But he could only take the man in small doses. Thank God he’d retired from SHIELD work after Pepper had gotten pregnant. “I just want to see if it fits, then I’m going to keep it in my room… for when the time is right.”

“Bucky,” Tony said seriously. He only ever used his name when he wanted Bucky to truly pay attention to him. “I know we don’t get along great, but trust me when I say it’s too soon.”

Letting out a heavy sigh, Bucky groaned. “Just get me the fucking ring, Tony.”

“Fine.” Walking over to a wall panel, Tony put his hand on it, then typed in a code. A hidden panel opened and he went inside, coming back out with a small black box. Tossing it to Bucky, he shut the safe. “There you go. Is there anything else?”

“Thanks,” Bucky said softly.

“No problem, kid. Now get outta here. I got work to do.”

As he walked back to his bedroom, Bucky stared down at the box in his hands. He knew it was too soon, everything in him was screaming at him that asking Lily to marry him this early was a bad idea. But he kept telling himself that all he wanted to do was see if it fit. That’s all. Just slip it on her hand while she was sleeping, testing to see if it needed to be sized.

Pushing open the door, he took the ring out and put the box on the dresser, then approached the bed with quiet footsteps. Sitting on the edge, he grabbed her left hand and slipped the ring onto her finger, marveling at how perfect it fit. When she started to stir, he stilled, hoping and praying that she wouldn’t wake.

But her eyes popped open and she looked up at Bucky, confusion evident in her gaze. “Sweetheart, why are you awake?” Pushing herself up to a seated position, she looked at the hand he held, seeing a sparkly diamond on her ring finger. Her voice came out hushed. “Bucky, what is this?”

He wanted to say he was just checking the fit. He wanted to say that it was nothing. To take it back, throw it into the dark recesses of the safe, never to be seen again. But that’s not what he did. Staring into her tired hazel eyes, his mouth quirked up into a smile, and the words just popped out of his mouth, “Marry me.”

“Bucky?”

Taking a deep breath, he plunged forward with his proposal. “I love you, Lily, so fucking much. I can’t imagine my life without you in it. Never before have I ever felt even half this much for anyone, so to have found it for someone so kind and good…” Picking up her hand, he pressed a kiss to the back of her hand. “Lily Hayes, I know it’s only been six months, but it’s been the best six months of my life. Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?”

Her mouth fell open in shock and she was speechless, but she nodded her head up and down. Gaze darting between the ring and her boyfriend… no, her fiance, she felt a smile creep over her face and found her voice again. “Yes! A million times yes!!”

Laughing, he pulled her into his arms, holding her tight against him. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Bucky.” Pulling back slightly, she lifted a hand to his face. “How did I get so lucky?”

“You've got it wrong, doll. I’m the lucky one.”


End file.
